The Fall of
OR
Will the Last to Die Please Turn
Off the Lights?
-A comedic romp in which we all
perish in 2-ish acts-
By Eli Wilkinson
Eli Wilkinson
319-325-5299
Eli.d.wilkinson@gmail.com
The Following is Copyright © 2009-2023 by Eli
Wilkinson
The Who, What, Where, When
Time: Sometime now-ish.
Setting: A three-bed apartment in
the ‘burbs. Still a tad too pricy due to the proximity to the Capitol but not well
kept enough to justify the cost. But also far enough out of town that going
into the city is a real pain in the butt. The living room is on the third floor
with an external staircase that overlooks a park where occasionally geese
linger at. No one lives on the first two floors and only the batty old widow,
Mrs. Bennett, living on the top floor above. The building was rumored to be
built by former members of the freemasons that were expelled for their dark
beliefs but that seemingly has no relevance to the actions of this play.
Cast of
Characters:
Herman: Late 20’s, dietician by
day, hypocrite by night. He has a fitness and hydration obsession that masks a
fear of returning illness. Tries to be cool but is basically already your dad.
Still has his Eagle Scout card in his wallet.
George: Late 20’s and Herman’s
friend since grade school. Was MAGA before MAGA was even a thing. He names
everything (and I mean everything). Political correctness is wasted on him, as
are most morals. Christian in name only but believes the opposite. Is the guy
who would #2 in a urinal and brag about it.
Viola Ruth: Early to mid 20’s and
Herman’s girlfriend. Is THAT vegan who you no longer eat in public with. So
liberal that “progressive” doesn’t seem like a suitable enough term. Easily
irritable and quick to hide from problems. Ever since weed was legalized in her
state, people are often left wondering if she got sprayed by a skunk or is
carrying that much dope-ass
Mrs.
Bennett:
Mid 60’s though she feels ancient by most accounts. She’s a widow of a
prominent business man who killed himself with a train. Quite possibly the
worst landlady in existence and she doesn’t cover tenants repair costs. Scary,
wears black, and hasn’t smiled since her wedding day about 40 years ago. The jury is still out but she may be evil
incarnate. Cooks a mean pecan pie though…
Metatron: An older fatherly figure
that also happens to be the voice of G.O.D. and the head of the corps of
Angel’s. Represents the Jewish faith and is very much the kind of guy that, if
human, would yell at a baseball game on TV arguing balls and strikes. Wears a
cloak and hood that hides his wings and attire (and also his progressively
graying hair.)
Uriel: Young and beautiful
Munkar: Middle aged Angel from the
Islamic section of the G.O.D. Is used to working with the dead and ideally only
wants to work with his partner, Nakir. Away missions annoy him as he is often
critical of his superiors. Is the kind of smart-ass that doesn’t realize he’s
being a smart-ass and will deny to the ends of this Earth that he is even
capable of being a smart-ass. Secretly cries when watching Disney movies
(especially
Gabriel: Any gender, it doesn’t
matter. They’re young in the face and give off that David Bowie / Grace Jones
kind of sexiness. One of the highest ranking Archangels that serve as the
messenger of G.O.D. By their standards their shit don’t stank. You should feel
blessed to be in their presence though, really, everyone knows he’s a poor-mans
Michael. Even he knows it and tries hard to convince everyone otherwise.
Major Tom: Herman’s lethargic, near
catatonic pet cat. Apparently can only move when no one is watching. This cat
is mangy and gross but Herman has had him since he was in middle school. Is
played by a lifelike stuffed animal that may or may not have been bought
cheaply at a nearby Goodwill.
The Plant: A young college-aged woman.
She is that girl that talks loudly about all the places in the world she had
been when she is sitting at a coffee shop with 3 people in it. Has a good heart
even if she is a tad annoying.
Preshow
(This play aims to toy with the audience and make them feel as
though they are actors in the show and that they have determined its ending.
That being said, this show best works with some minor audience participation.
As the audience enters the theatre they are polled with a simple “Would you
rather…?” question. They then must choose from option “A” or option “B”. The
question can be anything you want just as long as option “B” is “Or… Take a
pistol and end it all?” An example would be “Would you rather: A) Listen to the
same song for every second for the rest of your life OR B) Take this pistol and end it all?”
Another would be “Would you rather: A) Be eaten alive by rabid rabbits OR B)
Take a pistol and end it all? “ The
question can be serious, funny, or deep. This will be a factor later in the
play as the results of the question will become a part of the play itself. Keep
in mind that the question can and probably should change with each performance.
The person (or one of) who is polling everyone is the actor who plays Gabriel)
(As part of this manipulation of the audience there is also an
audience plant. This is an actress who is dressed very commonly though her
personality should be anything but. Her role is to be loud and attention
grabbing without causing suspicion. She should be calling out to friends, talking
on her phone as the lights try to start the show, have a ridiculous laugh, yet
remain fairly common and just a slight disturbance. Create a little attention
and let it go. She too returns later in the show.)
Act I
Scene 1
(In the darkness a bell chimes 8 times. Lights rise on the
living room. Herman is working out while listening to spotify on his phone and
drinking a ridiculous amount of bottled water. Meanwhile Metatron, Uriel, and
Munkar are spread out across the theatre. They are hooded and ominous. They are
the Chorus and remain visible at all times and may move around the theatre
(maybe even occupying seats))
METATRON
Since the beginning of human existence, mankind has
faced many obstacles.
MUNKAR
Wars.
URIEL
Starvation.
MUNKAR
Idiocy.
METATRON
But one thing has always been certain. One day
humanity will be epically screwed.
MUNKAR
Boned.
URIEL
Kaput.
METATRON
And all will perish.
URIEL
Save for a tiny handful.
METATRON
This will be our duty to watch and learn.
MUNKAR
To judge.
URIEL
And decide if worthy of salvation as a species.
MUNKAR
So pray for your loved ones.
URIEL
Confess your sins, trespasses, or transgressions.
METATRON
And kiss your children goodnight and mean it.
MUNKAR
For the time grows near…
URIEL
Before the big boom!
METATRON
And the world returns to ashes.
URIEL
Poof. Like the Dinosaurs…
MUNKAR
Do you have to be so redundant?
METATRON
Munkar…
MUNKAR
Can he even hear us? Can anyone?
METATRON
They are not deaf. Watch. Learn and you will see. (To Herman) Do you understand our
warning, child of
HERMAN
(Singing)
“Anyway you want it. That’s the way you need it.
Anyway you want it… Da na na na duh na dunnn!”
URIEL
(Groans loudly)
Ughhh! Wrong key! Key of G not the key of mutilated
cats!
MUNKAR
Always these Americans obsession with JOURNEY!
URIEL
Overrated!
METATRON
SILENCE you insolent fools!
URIEL
Look who’s talking Metatron. Aside from a Kevin
Smith movie, who even knows who you are anymore? At least I was featured in
“Supernatural”.
MUNKAR
As a dude, Uriel.
URIEL
Beats complete obscurity, Munkar.
METATRON
I SAID SILENCE!!!
HERMAN
(Removing his headphones)
George? Did you say something? George?
(No response. Herman puts his headphones back in)
URIEL
He heard you that time. Even with that modern day walkman blasting
that… awfulness.
METATRON
And the first time? Did he hear me then?
(Beat. Metatron looks to the others who shrug a “Beats me”)
Humans... All I had to do was burn a bush to get
Moses’ attention. And that was only a small fire. People these days are so
unwilling to have faith. I tell you it’s the lack of respect for tradition. One
has to make such a show of it all. It’s a waste of effort and resources.
Humans...
(Shakes it off, Coughs and suddenly goes Old Testament. Lights
shift)
Hear now, human, do you understand the consequences
of that which we hath bequeathed upon you?
HERMAN
(Singing. Lights return suddenly)
“Ooh all night, all night, Oh every night”
METATRON
The end of existence draws near and one must ask, will
they even notice?
MUNKAR
Not until it is too late.
URIEL
I pity the fools. Every last one.
METATRON
Then lets us then take our positions and do our
duty.
MUNKAR
Say your prayers.
URIEL
And when you die tell ‘em we sent ya.
(Awkwardness)
MUNKAR
Really? That’s what you close with?
(Blackout.
Title card is Projected. Both titles with the second one slightly delayed.)
Scene 2
(The angels take their spots as Herman continues to work out.
The lights rise on the living room. It is early in the morning. Herman is doing
some stationary exercise routine. George enters the front door with a bag of
groceries and begins to leave things out to make his breakfast. Herman tries to
continue his exercises as they speak. George notices Major Tom, Herman’s very still
cat is sleeping on the counter)
GEORGE
God damn cat! You ate my jerky! Don’t look at me
like that. There are little kitty teeth marks all over the bag! Go. Get off the
counter. Now. NOW! Get off--
(The cat meows but doesn’t move as George picks it up and tosses
it in the corner. It screams and lands with a thud)
GEORGE
Every time I turn my back that damn cat is getting
into trouble … Fucking swear he can only move when no one is looking.
(Herman finally notices George)
HERMAN
Oh good mornin’.
GEORGE
…Yo.
HERMAN
Wow, groceries this early? Look at you being active
before ten.
GEORGE
Yeah it’s called I’m hungry.
HERMAN
Hey, breakfast is the most important meal of the
day. Just make sure to have a good source of carbs, protein and fiber. Also drink
plenty of--
GEORGE
Oh no no no. Don’t say it.
HERMAN
Say what?
GEORGE
You know damn well. You are obsessed with water. Ever
since you went on your bottled water kick there is no space for FOOD in our cupboards
anymore. And the pantry? You have left us with only enough room for a loaf of
bread, jar of peanut butter and that box of off brand Easy Mac that no one
likes.
HERMAN
You’ll be thanking me when you feel better, George. Purified
water and a walk before 8:30 are good for the body and soul.
GEORGE
Did you have to buy so much of it?
HERMAN
It is the only way to assure I’d never have to drink
tap water again for literally the rest of my life.
GEORGE
$30,000 on name brand bottled water! You spent the
entirety of the inheritance your Grandfather left you. It blows my mind to
think how many bottles that is! And frankly I don’t much care. 50 bottles is
too damn many for us.
HERMAN
(Stops exercising to answer)
At $4.50 at SAMS a case, around 6,666 forty packs or
266,666 individual bottles. If I drink two a day for the rest of my life I
would have enough for 365 years… and change.
GEORGE
Do you hear yourself right now? First off it bothers
me you have that mental math on hand at all times. And B: That’s fuckin’ mental.
I’m talking bat shit cray-cray dude. Did the tap water kill your Grandpa or
something? You’ve drank it your whole life! But now… you’ve changed. You used
to open twist offs with your ass at parties as a party trick. Now there’s not a
single brewski in there with your name on it. Just fuckin’ pure life water. I
mean who needs that much water? Who? Other than obviously you since filled all
our pantries, our spare room, and a storage garage.
HERMAN
Two. They were smaller units.
GEORGE
If Mrs. Bennett saw this she would go ape-shit. How’d
you even get it all up here without her noticing? Was she on vacation? Because
if she saw this, that wicked old hag would be steaming at the ears and marching
us to the nearest Gulag. And she would show you where those bottles really go.
HERMAN
Yeah, well she’s not here, is she? I can hear her
pacing around waiting for the rent check.
(There is a thunderous pounding on the front door. It is Mrs.
Bennett who has suddenly appeared at their door.)
MRS. BENNETT
RENT! I hear you two breathing in there! It’s the 1st.
Rent was due at nine a.m. sharp. Not whenever you damn well please!
HERMAN
It’s 8:30! I’ll bring it up in a half hour Mrs.
Bennett.
MRS. BENNETT
Daylight savings!
GEORGE
No its not!
MRS. BENNETT
…It’s late! I’ll charge you the forty dollar late
fee. Don’t think that I won’t.
GEORGE
(Mouthing)
What a bitch.
MRS. BENNETT
I heard that young man!
HERMAN
Fine. I’ll write our check.
(George opens the door)
GEORGE
Good morning Mrs.—
(She blows past him)
MRS. BENNETT
It reeks in here! What is that? Dope? You two been
smoking dope in my property!? You know my rules: no music and no dope. If I
find any dope you’ll be on the streets faster than a hooker in the first circle
of hell.
HERMAN
I assure you we haven’t.
MRS. BENNETT
That’s too bad. Your father was a terrible liar too.
HERMAN
How would you know—?
MRS. BENNETT
I just do. Check. Now. Or the highway.
(Herman begins to write the check)
GEORGE
So we’re the only tenants left. You kicked everyone
else to the curb and scared away the rest—
MRS. BENNETT
‘Cause they smoked dope and were late with their
rent.
HERMAN
Our rent.
(Gives her the check)
GEORGE
--So…. If we’re your only source of income then how
do you turn any profit?
MRS. BENNETT
Don’t need the money. Not since my Bruno died. I just
like to make you pay it. I use it to buy shoes. Italian. Made from only the
finest leather from the most dangerous of game. Now keep it down. My show is
on.
(She storms out the front door. It slams behind her.)
GEORGE
What would that wicked witch watch that it is so
damn important?
HERMAN
Wouldn’t it be ironic if that old hag watched some born-again-Christian
evangelical crap? You know, I bet that’s it. Like Joyce Meyer or Joel Osteen or
some other false prophet like that.
GEORGE
No way. A crow like that has to be Catholic. I bet she
self flagellates and everything.
HERMAN
You think?
GEORGE
And she loves it. Maybe a little –too- much
HERMAN
I was raised Catholic. We can usually smell our own.
GEORGE
I know and my family is all evangelicals. Just
because you are a part of something doesn’t mean you can’t think everyone
involved is out of their fucking minds.
HERMAN
Huh. An evangelical that thinks evangelicals are
wrong.
GEORGE
No. I take pride knowing you all are going to burn
in hell. I just disagree with the whole faith healing fad. “Oh he touched my
head. God has blessed me! I’m going to speak in tongues now and be healed.”
Please. Those men aren’t Jesus. False idols if ever I’ve seen one.
HERMAN
(Begins lifting a small dumbbell. Under his breath)
Like Trump? ?
GEORGE
You leave The Don out of this. He only wants what is
best for his American people.
HERMAN
You know a man once thought killing all the Jews,
gays, and gypsies was what would be best for the German people.
GEORGE
Yeah. The GERMAN people. We’re Americans. That’s
like comparing an android with a human.
HERMAN
Your family is German. Your mom’s maiden name was
VonWagner.
GEORGE
I’m AMERICAN and don’t forget it.
HERMAN
You’re something.
GEORGE
Don’t worry. Donald only wants what is best for you
as well... Once Obama and all the
other lib-tards are finally taken care of…
I mean, punished for their heinous crimes against our American lifestyle.
Then he will truly become the moral voice of his entire intellectual kinder.
HERMAN
(Laughs and stretches)
…fascist… SO…What do you have planned for today?
Gonna march on
GEORGE
We do those on Tuesdays. They’re fun but no actually.
It’s my day off. Imma gonna have a case of beer. Watch some TV. Make some
knuckle babies on at least two occasions. And I’m not going to do one god damn
productive thing all day. Now THAT’S American. Top that.
HERMAN
Lucky bastard. I’m meeting a client at two to go
over her new diet plan but then I’m free. Viola is coming over at some point
today too.
(There is a rustling in the closet. Herman notices it)
GEORGE
Ah the health food chick. When is she going to
realize you’re just dating her for the discount at the Food Co-Op? Now I know
how to really treat that type of woman… mmmm I love the hippie freaks. Taking
them to pound town feels like victor-
HERMAN
Ssh. I heard something in the closet.
GEORGE
It’s a water monster! Gasp!
HERMAN
I’m serious.
(George mockingly walks to the door)
GEORGE
So am I. Better use a Rod of Thunder. It’s a +2
heavy mace.
(There is another, louder, rustle and bang against the door)
GEORGE
Holy shit. There’s something in there. Where’s my Miho?
HERMAN
Your what?
GEORGE
My Miho. My katana.
HERMAN
You named your sword?
GEORGE
And my guns! I swear it’s not uncomm--
(Another noise. Herman moves closer to the closet door. The
noise continues)
GEORGE
Careful.
(Herman takes a deep breath and throws open the closet door.
Mrs. Bennett stands amongst the water bottles. The two scream like girls)
MRS. BENNETT
Why is there so much damn water in here?! If it leaks,
you buy me a new floor!
HERMAN
Jesus! Mrs. Bennett how did you?
MRS. BENNETT
I own the building!
HERMAN
You’re right. You’re right. Let me rephrase—
GEORGE
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
MRS. BENNETT
I know you have dope in here. I can smell it. You
can’t hide it from me.
GEORGE
Have you ever heard of a tenant’s right to privacy?
MRS. BENNETT
Not in my building. I’m watching you two. Like a
hawk. Know that. Everywhere you go. Everything you do. These eyes see all.
HERMAN
So you have cameras? That’s illegal.
MRS. BENNETT
So is dope!
(She exits the front, slamming the door once again)
HERMAN
Now I know why everyone else moved out. She’s a
literal nightmare.
GEORGE
The Demonic arts are strong with her.
HERMAN
So… now I’m officially weird-ed out. Should we do
something?
GEORGE
Like hide our porn? That’s too much work.
HERMAN
I don’t know… She’ll find something. And you don’t
just use Pornhub like the rest of us?
GEORGE
I support my favorite artists and pay like a true
fan should. But I do wonder if she’ll still watch me while I’m jerking off?
Like if she has hidden cameras does she have like a library of our dirty deeds?
HERMAN
Probably, but you’d like that.
GEORGE
I have a night a few months back, when you were out
of town, that I would definitely want to get a copy of.
HERMAN
That good?
GEORGE
She was bad in like the good kind of bad. Like not
bad in performance. A+ in that. I’m talking like grab you by the hair and spit
on your face while you go to town and then like hook the legs around the hips
like a venus fly trap of sexiness. Splash pad recommended.
HERMAN
How drunk were you both?
GEORGE
Unbelievably plastered. Then by some miracle she was
gone before I woke up at 8 to pee.
HERMAN
And this is why I tell you to get tested regularly.
(They both laugh. There’s a brief moment where the two decide to
carry on exercising and making breakfast. They are interrupted by a knocking on
the door right before they can)
GEORGE
Damn it. Enough is enough. Go away! We don’t have
any dope!
VIOLA
(Through the door)
That’s too bad.
HERMAN
It’s Viola.
(George opens the door)
GEORGE
Well hello-
(Viola bursts in.)
HERMAN
Hey.
(She gives him a peck on the cheek)
VIOLA
Hey. You won’t believe how crazy it is out there.
HERMAN
I wonder what happened?
VIOLA
Fuck if I know. I wake and baked and then proceeded
to watch the parade of idiots the whole way here. It’s like aliens landed a
fuckin’ flying saucer in central park.
(She sits down and pulls out a large marijuana pipe and begins
to load it with a baggie she pulls out of her inside pocket)
VIOLA
I can’t take this kind of bullshit this early.
Everyone is acting like the god damn sky is falling.
(George pulls out his smart phone with a confederate flag
casing.)
GEORGE
Huh… My internet is down. That’s your culprit right
there. People can’t check their twitters.
VIOLA
Well it’s got everyone’s panties in a twist. Is
there anything about it on the news?
GEORGE
Don’t have cable.
VIOLA
You have a digital antenna.
HERMAN
Yeah if you like MeTV, Home Shopping Network, and a
PBS station that freezes at every important juncture of Patty’s Mexican kitchen.
Which is the only good cooking show on there.
VIOLA
Well hell… you don’t like
GEORGE
Ask him.
HERMAN
I got tired of someone DVR’ing Fox News. So I ended
my service.
VIOLA
Huh… Good a reason as any. She’s all set. Anyone
want to green it?
HERMAN
I don’t think we should.
VIOLA
You always let me smoke here.
HERMAN
I know… but Mrs. Bennett has been out for blood
today.
GEORGE
We found her in the closet.
VIOLA
An old hag like that? In the closet?
GEORGE
Scary, huh?
VIOLA
Well, can’t blame her. What man would touch that?
HERMAN
No, no, no. Literally in the closet. Like as in she
dropped down from upstairs into our closet to spy on us.
VIOLA
What the hell? That’s like Norman Bates shit. Has
everyone lost their minds today?
GEORGE
I haven’t.
HERMAN
She was in here accusing us of “smoking dope in her
property”. I’m shocked she even knew what it smelled like. It’s not like we
smoke THAT often.
VIOLA
What a witch.
GEORGE
That’s what I said.
VIOLA
She’s probably gonna die soon. They say you get
really paranoid before your brain fries out. Either that or she’s not as
righteous as she acts. Maybe she is an old Hells Angel who went into hiding
after murdering someone and scooping their eyeballs out with a spoon. Or better
yet, maybe her husband purchased these buildings with the money earned from his
coke empire and she used to be the one who tied up all his loose ends.
HERMAN
Or she’s senile.
VIOLA
Well yeah there is always that.
(There is the sound of sirens and horns. George goes over to the
window and shuts it)
GEORGE
Oh shut up the both of ya. It’s my day off, damn it.
Now hand me that pipe since Mr. Love Chute over there is too scared of the land
lady.
(Viola finishes loading the bowl and gives it to George)
GEORGE
This stuff got a name?
VIOLA
It’s called “The Four Horsemen”. It’s new. We call
it that since the bud is green, white, and orange with a hint of purple in the
middle. It’s hydro and the end result is, well… it ends your world.
GEORGE
Nice.
(George takes a huge hit. He exhales and begins coughing)
VIOLA
Good shit, eh?
GEORGE
It feels like my lungs are trying to claw their way
out of my chest.
VIOLA
I know...that’s the good shit, am I right? Herman?
HERMAN
I shouldn’t… I have to work later.
GEORGE
Come on
(Stares into nothingness for an awkward amount of time)
–your world
that much. There’s always the shower.
(Viola and George give him a look that screams peer pressure.
Herman sighs)
HERMAN
…Damn it. Fine. You’re lucky my client is unbearable.
But if I have to cancel you two are buying dinner.
VIOLA
I have to work tonight. Mrs. Jonesy is keeping me
late to refill all the freezers. (She
takes a hit) It’s really just another excuse for her to look at my ass.
That woman is so in the closet she’s finding bellbottoms. My ass isn’t even
that great.
(George cracks open a beer and goes to drink it)
But I’d let her eat it out if it got me a desk.
(George spits out his beer. Both men stare in awe)
VIOLA
What? I’m bi and she is rocking it for a 46 year
old. Now stop gawking and smoke this shit.
(Viola hands Herman the
pipe)
HERMAN
Wait.
(Herman runs and checks every door for Mrs. Bennett. She’s not
there.)
VIOLA
Is the coast clear?
HERMAN
Seems so.
(Herman holds the pipe to his lips. He flicks the lighter when suddenly
Mrs. Bennett bursts through the closet door. George and Viola shriek. Herman
almost drops the pipe while hiding it behind his back)
MRS. BENNETT
I KNEW IT! DOPE!
HERMAN
Mrs. Bennett. I can explain-
MRS. BENNETT
Explain this! YOU ARE
OUTTA--
(She goes to grab George by the ear when there is an extremely bright
flash from an explosion that seems to be atomic in nature. The sound of a
shockwave coming engulfs the theatre)
GEORGE
What the—
HERMAN
Duck and cover!
MRS. BENNETT
FATHER! COMES TO ME!!!
(George, Herman, and Viola get on the ground in a hurry. The
stage is blinded with white light. (Like seriously, blind the crap out of
everyone in attendance.))
Scene 3
(Lights over the stage dim as Metatron, Munkar, and Uriel emerge
from their viewing spots. They are still spread out in the space. Metatron
looks around and holds his head up to listen.)
METATRON
The Earth goes silent.
MUNKAR
It burns.
URIEL
It crumbles away.
HERMAN
(Unconsciously mumbling in pain. Sings: )
“Wheel in the sky keeps on turning…”
(Coughs and passes back out)
MUNKAR
And Journey still lives on!
URIEL
A dark day indeed.
METATRON
Quiet. These are but a handful of survivors.
MUNKAR
The rest, rest their souls.
URIEL
But leave behind their stench.
METATRON
Uriel! Show some respect.
URIEL
My apologies stinky, now quite dead, humans.
METATRON
Enough! Let the trial begin…
MUNKAR
These three will decide the fate for all.
URIEL
Will they repent or will humanity go the way of the
Dodo?
METATRON
They need not repent.
MUNKAR
Just prove they deserve to live.
HERMAN
(Mumbling again)
“Figa-ro-oh-oh-oh-oh…”
URIEL
Ooh, he switched to Queen.
MUNKAR
Already improving.
METATRON
Shut it. We have successfully finished the First
part of our mission. Operation Tera Nova was a success.
MUNKAR
Tera Nova?
URIEL
Because it bombed. The show?
(Munkar looks puzzled)
URIEL
On Fox. Remember it? It was like a poor mans Avatar.
The one with the blue people not the animated one. No? Me either.
MUNKAR
Please tell me operation names are not picked for
comedic reasons.
METATRON
Operation Names are carefully chosen by top men.
URIEL
Who? You’re top man-ish.
METATRON
I am the voice of G.O.D.! So when I say “Top men” I
mean “Top. Men.”
MUNKAR
Alright “Raiders” reference. Got it. He comes up
with them himself.
URIEL
Notice the emphasis on “Men” too. I always said the
Seraphim was a good old boys club.
MUNKAR
You’re a Seraphim!
URIEL
Yeah well they left me out of the Bible so shows you
what they think of me.
METATRON
You’re complaining about that? I’m older than you
all and I’m not in the damn book either! All I got was some ancient Jewish
texts. AS I was saying, Munkar, is that we have moved into part 2: Operation…
Daisy.
(Both snicker. Metatron waits for it)
METATRON
Now Operation Daisy consists—
(Uriel snickers louder)
METATRON
I get it. Uriel, so you want to name the next one?
You can call Operation “Brown Nose”. Or yours, Munkar, will be Operation “You
died. Womp womp.” We’re professionals, damn it. Now act it. The Daisy is a
metaphor. For the petal of a daisy either cooperates and pulls out intact or it
rips. I would say the sad lot of this desolate world now feel a bit like that
daisy petal. Soon most would kill just to see one. Now may I continue?
(Metatron pulls down a small projection screen on the far corner
of the stage. He points at Uriel who wheels on a small slide projector on a
cart. (This may be a computer projector and a power point presentation) They
present it to the audience.)
Our subjects will face eight trials, eight obstacles
that will be key to their survival.
(Uriel turns to the first slide which is of George, Herman, and
Viola looking shocked in a very cheesy way. All slides are presented as a
really simple, cheesy, art deco, cartoon like style.)
URIEL
The first trial will be the surviving the initial
shock. We call this the “OMGFFS” stage.
(Turns to a slide of George and Viola shrugging in an “I don’t
know” way as Herman scratches his chin)
The cause of which they will have no answer.
(They click through the next slide as Munkar speaks. The slide
is Herman with his hand on his chest, looking confident. Next to him is of
George who’s pointing his thumbs at himself. Third is Viola who is flipping off
George with one hand and pointing at herself.)
MUNKAR
Trial two will be fulfilling the need for a leader… Personally,
I don’t see it happening. As we have seen before, the blind cannot lead the
blind.
(He ends on a slide of George W. Bush. Next slide cuts to the
three looking hungry and looking at Herman’s cat Major Tom with forks and
knives in hand)
METATRON
Regardless, the need for food and improved shelter
will force them to mature.
(As Uriel speaks the next three slides show: 1) Viola and George
cooking Herman on a spit. 2) The three frozen in ice, followed by 3) a picture
of a zombie that is crossed off and quickly replaced with an image of Viola
screaming in the shadow of a scary mutant.)
URIEL
For next they must defend themselves from the sick,
dying, mutated beings that threaten their survival. They may have to take life
to preserve life.
(The next picture is of George smiling at the camera hugging a
lot of guns. There is an N.R.A. flag in the background)
I suspect the Red Neck will have no trouble with
this.
MUNKAR
But they themselves must not fall ill. The outside
world is full of contagions and radiation. The world they know has turned to
shit.
(Three names are projected one by one as Munkar speaks. They
are: Atlantis,
Far worse than any city that previously existed.
METATRON
Eventually the radiation will disperse and the world
will begin to very slowly heal.
(Uriel clicks
through pictures of books, homemade paintings, and toys)
URIEL
And so too must their spirits. Little things like
books and art will begin to heal the soul.
(She ends on a slide of a large bong and a drinking jug labeled ‘XXX’)
Of course distractions that will dull the pain of
living in such a terrible place may be needed. After all, we had given them
these tools in the first place.
MUNKAR
With any luck these illicit substances might lead
them to their next challenge:
(A picture of a baby is projected on the screen)
The procreation of the human race.
(A picture of Viola between both of the guys with her thumbs up
is quickly followed by one of her totally exhausted and looking absolutely
miserable with multiple babies around her. George and Herman may be giving each
other a high five in the background)
Of course we do not expect them to repopulate the
Earth all by themselves but multiple children will be required from varying gene
pools.
METATRON
And finally, it goes without saying what trial they
will have to endure throughout the entirety of this Operation.
(The words “Not Dying”
are flashed on the screen)
Not dying.
MUNKAR
Then why’d you say it?
METATRON
Because that’s what I do, smartass. Besides, we
speak not only with ourselves but with the overseers. It is for them that we
were given this task.
MUNKAR
Then we will not interfere.
URIEL
And we will do our part.
METATRON
Thank you. Both of you. Now to our posts.
(The three angels bow to each other and scatter leaving the
projector and screen. The lights dim)
Scene 4
(First slide projected on the screen: 5 minutes after the
flash)
(Second slide projected on the screen: Trial 1: WTF was that?!)
(Lights rise as Herman slowly gets up grabbing his head. He
takes a moment to think about what just happened. Suddenly he snaps to and
rushes over to Viola.)
HERMAN
Viola! Viola! Viola Ruth Stapleton, you still with
me?
VIOLA
…ugh. What’s going on? Ohh…What an awful trip! Fuck.
I knew it. That fucker dropped acid on my weed again! No wonder he wanted to
smoke before I left.
HERMAN
No, babe. Something big happened. Just look at this
place.
(Viola moves to the window.)
VIOLA
Holy shit dudes!
Look out there.
HERMAN
Wow… welcome to the asshole of the world.
VIOLA
Everything is in ruin…
HERMAN
Looks like
GEORGE
Ow…
(Herman walks over to George)
HERMAN
Hey, George? You okay there, champ?
GEORGE
This wouldn't have happened under Trump.
HERMAN
Sadly, you’re fine.
VIOLA
I’m not. My head is fucking throbbing. This is worse
than that night I drank the bottle of Everclear thinking it was vodka.
(Viola screams)
HERMAN
What's wrong?
(Viola looks down to see that her glass pipe has been broken.
She holds it up in sadness)
VIOLA
My pipe broke... poor Betty.
GEORGE
You name your pipes?
VIOLA
And my bongs.
HERMAN
I'm truly sorry but there’re more important matters
now.
VIOLA
I loved this piece… more than my sister. Breaks my
heart… Do you mind if I said a few words? Betty was a good pipe. She was small
but mighty. She is survived by her two wooden brethren, Cain and Able, and this
here joint, who we will call Dane. Amen.
GEORGE
Why Dane?
VIOLA
Because when you see him, you just want to suck him
all up. Long story. An ex. Shit personality but what a c--
HERMAN
SOOOOOO!
GEORGE
Ah! The schlong that got away.
VIOLA
Something like that. But in the end you just wanna
watch him burn.
GEORGE
Too soon?
(Viola smirks and lights Dane)
VIOLA
Fuck that guy.
HERMAN
Babe. Is that absolutely necessary right now?
(Viola shoots him a vicious look)
VIOLA
If what I think happened actually happened;
then you bet your tight little ass it is.
GEORGE
I second that.
HERMAN
But it isn’t productive. We have to protect ourselves…
and soon.
(George gets up favoring his back. He notices Mrs. Bennett.)
GEORGE
Oh shit.
HERMAN
What now?
(George points at Mrs. Bennett who now rests against the far
wall with a comically long PVC pipe sticking in her chest. George walks over to
her thinking that she is dead)
GEORGE
Fuck, dude. She’s fucking dead.
HERMAN
Mrs. Bennett?
(George goes to feel for her pulse when she startles to
consciousness screaming. George, Herman, and Viola all scream in shock)
MRS. BENNETT
…Dopers! “…from
hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at
thee..." …I think… I left… the oven on…
(She dies. This time for real)
HERMAN
I don’t think that last part was in Moby Dick.
VIOLA
Is she…?
GEORGE
Dead as Gary Sinise's career.
VIOLA
Are we sure this time? Like for sure, sure?
(George tips Mrs. Bennett forward and talks into the far end of
the pipe. It magnifies his voice.)
GEORGE
(Starts singing Steam's "Na na Hey Kiss
him Goodbye")
"Na na na na, na na na na. Hey-ey-ey! Goodbye!
VIOLA
(Disgusted beyond all belief and overlapping the tail end of
his song)
Old lady guts. On his face. That part went through.
Ugergh......
(George removes himself from the pipe and wipes his face)
GEORGE
Yeah. She’s pretty dead. That PVC is really wedged
in there. Not to mention I can look right through it. I can see you Herm. And
you grocery store lady.
HERMAN
We get it. Chill dude. Respect the dead a little.
She was old.
GEORGE
And a raging bitch queen from hell. I think that
justifies anything I do. Now where did that super bright tactical flashlight
get to?
VIOLA
How do you put up with his shit?
HERMAN
He has his redeeming qualities. Few but they’re
there.
VIOLA
I don’t like this. It is too quiet out there. I
mean, what could have done this? Could it have been a meteor?
HERMAN
The way it flashed I would guess it was nuclear.
VIOLA
Like a bomb? Like a nuclear bomb?
GEORGE
No the other kind.
VIOLA
So how on Earth did we survive?
HERMAN
I don’t know… maybe something shielded us and
created an eddy in the shockwave. Best guess.
GEORGE
Hey guys, look!
(George turns on his flashlight and it shines through the pipe)
HERMAN
Knock it off! Save those batteries. We'll need that
flashlight.
VIOLA
Incase you haven’t noticed, we have just been through
some serious shit.
GEORGE
Well I’m sorry humor is my coping mechanism.
VIOLA
You should be.
GEORGE
Least I don’t retreat behind my prescriptions. How
many drugs are in that purse? Oh who’s going to fill them now? Little Voila is
going to crash and crash hard. When you do you’ll learn to laugh in the face of
the undeniable.
VIOLA
Unlikely--
HERMAN
Guys. Please. We're losing focus. If that was a
nuclear bomb then someone must’ve attacked us. But who would do such a thing
unprovoked?
GEORGE
I bet it was the Russians. Putin could only be
properly reigned in by the Don.
VIOLA
Trump basically got on his knees for Putin in
(She mimes a blowjob)
GEORGE
Well have you thought that maybe if Putin got a
little Presidential head, he doesn't invade
VIOLA
Because it's an idiotic argument! Ugh! Can today get
any worse?!
GEORGE
You could run out of weed.
VIOLA
I am about to! I only bought a dime bag. I was going
to see my guy today. Now he is probably ashes and rubble. Wait, maybe if we…
can...
(Viola picks up her phone)
VIOLA
There's no signal.
HERMAN
All the towers would’ve been knocked out.
VIOLA
Then I’m going to have to venture out. I’m gonna
need snacks. Maybe I can find my dealers place.
HERMAN
No! No. We can’t leave for a couple of days.
GEORGE
The hell we can't! You liberals tricked me into
masks during Covid but I will not let you say I am being held prisoner in my
own apartment!
HERMAN
Radiation sickness, dude. Cause the fallout. I'm
talking extreme fevers, shits, vomiting, bladder failures, skin losing
cohesion, the works. No superpowers to be gained, just a painful, awful
smelling, goopy death. So when I say we’ll have to be in here for at least
three to six days, I mean it.
VIOLA
Fffuuuccckkk… That sucks guys.
(Viola begins to smoke her joint by herself and just watches the
back and forth at all that will ensue.)
GEORGE
We don’t have a lot of food. I only really bought
enough for a couple meals.
HERMAN
We just have to ration the pantry.
GEORGE
Thank God you have plenty of water.
(George pensively ponders about the situation.)
GEORGE
…Too much water. It’s almost like you knew this was
coming.
HERMAN
We just lucked out. Sure we lost the storage units
but what is safe here in the building is sealed. We should be good for a…
(George looks at Herman very suspiciously)
HERMAN
What?
GEORGE
That semester you studied abroad. Where did you go
again?
HERMAN
This is stupid.
GEORGE
I knew it! You knew this was coming, didn’t you?
Sprechen ze Russian, eh comrade?
HERMAN
Yes and I chose to live somewhere in the blast
radius.
GEORGE
You can be an agent. Brainwashed to set off the
attacks and at the same time test new tech to see if you could guard yourself
from it. I read about it in the NRA’s last newsletter. They call the male
agents Swallows or SPTZ agents.
VIOLA
Did the men wear a lot of leather?
GEORGE
Why yes they did.
VIOLA
I think I read that. Nasty Real Asses Monthly,
right? There was an amazing photo spread in there. Long range headshots.
GEORGE
The NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION. N.R.A. Not that… swill.
You’re the second person to get those magazines confused. Must have the same
publishing company or surely there’d be a lawsuit. Regardless after framing him
for that unfortunate, totally 100% accident where President Trump set that
school bus full of children on fire, the SPTZ shifted focus to influencing
Hunter Biden and other liberal Russian assets and not on Trump. Russian conspiracy
stories are really "in" right now. Never thought it would be true, the Swallows,
until now.
HERMAN
You are so full of shit. Do us all a favor comrade
and start stapling plastic over the windows.
GEORGE
Why don’t you?
HERMAN
I own the water.
GEORGE
I fucking hate it when you’re right. Still,
capitalism wins again, commie.
HERMAN
Viola hon… how are you holding up?
(Viola looks up severely stoned and annoyed)
VIOLA
I knew something was up today. It just didn’t feel rrriighhtt.
Now everything is just like gone. My home. My job. My friends and family… my
stupid fish.
HERMAN
We’re all in the same boat.
VIOLA
How can you be calm about this? Our world just got
bitch slapped back to the Dark Age. You’re calmer now than ever. How is it
that?
HERMAN
I’m just not dwelling on it. We have to survive.
That’s all I care about.
VIOLA
But what’s the point? You know?
GEORGE
What’s the point? What’s the point?! The point is
that we are Americans and too damn free and tough to be put down by some
cowards whose most famous building looks like a collection of colorful butt
plugs! We have countermeasures; I’m sure whoever it was we blew them straight
to hell.
HERMAN
George. Shut up.
GEORGE
And who elected you leader anyway?
HERMAN
George! Your dixie is showing. We’ll discuss it
later.
(Herman stares George down)
HERMAN
The point is to simply survive. Survive and use what
happens here as a learning tool so that we can rebuild the world but… better.
VIOLA
WHAT world? Have you looked out the fucking window?!
HERMAN
The world we are going to have to create. But we
have to wait for it to heal and grow back a little first. I can’t do this alone.
I need you… and maybe George.
GEORGE
Damn right you need me.
HERMAN
Will you help us do this?
VIOLA
… Far out. Yeah. Sure… Like pioneers and shit.
Seti-Alpha 5 style. You want this joint now?
HERMAN
No. But you go ahead.
(Lights dim and the three angels are illuminated.)
URIEL
I like him. You see that look in his eyes? If I were
her I’d be all about him.
MUNKAR
You’re asexual.
URIEL
So?
MUNKAR
So you shouldn’t be getting ‘excited’ by a mortal
man. Actually aren’t you supposed to be a man?
URIEL
We all choose our avatars. Sorry you hate yours. At
least I don’t need a sidekick. Where is Nakir anyway? Out doing your job for
you? More trials to get into a heaven that doesn't exist--
METATRON
Quiet this rabble. The first trial is complete. But
seven more stand in their way.
MUNKAR
Yes. Will they be faithful to each other and the
almighty?
URIEL
Or will they fall from grace and be punished for
their sins?
METATRON
It’s do or die now.
MUNKAR
*Cough* Cliché.
METATRON
Shut up.
(Blackout)
Scene 5
(First title card: Ten hours after the flash)
(Second title card: Trial 2: Anything you can do I can do
better)
(Lights rise on Herman who is comforting Viola as she tries to
nap on the couch. The windows now have plastic on them and the sky glows a
disgusting yellow. George enters with a large knife, he walks up behind Herman)
GEORGE
We need to talk.
HERMAN
Sure. What’s on your--
(Herman turns around and is startled by George's big knife)
HERMAN
Shit! What’s the big knife for?
GEORGE
I found it.
HERMAN
It’s huge.
GEORGE
I like it. I named it Beth.
HERMAN
Why Beth?
GEORGE
What’s wrong with Beth? I knew a Beth once. She was
nice.
HERMAN
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with Beth. Could you put
Beth down?
GEORGE
But she's so pretty... fine.
(Puts Beth down)
GEORGE
Sorry. I can see how that can kinda look
intimidating given everything.
HERMAN
So what’s this about?
GEORGE
Don't play dumb. I want to be in charge.
HERMAN
Why do you care so much? We're not competing. Just
surviving.
GEORGE
We need someone who can make quick decisions. That
person is me. No offense, but you think too hard.
HERMAN
George… I’m not in charge. I’ve never said so.
GEORGE
We need order and order is created by hierarchy.
HERMAN
How about we all make the decisions together?
GEORGE
You red bellied communist.
HERMAN
We all offer our own qualities and let’s leave it at
that.
GEORGE
Don’t order me around Herman.
HERMAN
Or what? Beth will get angry?
GEORGE
You leave Beth out of this!
HERMAN
Drop this. It's just a waste of energy.
GEORGE
No Herman. I’m sorry but you’re too compassionate.
Would you ever let another helpless person die if it meant you and yours would
live? No. Would you shoot a robber who was stealing your valuable water? No.
You are just another strong willed hippie who’ll meet his own end in the name
of mercy. You don’t fuck the world, the world fucks you. But not me. I pound
that shit and have no ragerts.
HERMAN
Re-grets.
GEORGE
I meant what I said! Your new world is a fantasy and
you will fail. Because you don’t have the balls to make it.
HERMAN
Ha. Ha. Low blow asshole.
(Herman pushes George, who trips)
GEORGE
Mother fucker. I'm bleeding. I’m part hemophiliac.
On my mom's side.
HERMAN
No you’re not!
(George tackles Herman and the two scuffles all over the room.
It is quite slapstick appearing as though the two best friends want to fight
but are too afraid to really hurt the other one. Viola rolls over and notices
it before she rolls back around, choosing to ignore them. They sort of finish
on opposite sides of the room)
HERMAN
Wait, George, wait. Look at us. We’re fighting like
idiots to see who has the bigger dick.
GEORGE
No contest!
HERMAN
You don’t know shit.
GEORGE
I peeked. A
lion must ensure his rule of his pride. As the competition I assumed you had as
well.
HERMAN
What? No… Why are we going on with this?
GEORGE
We’re too afraid to whip them out and measure so
we’re stalling.
HERMAN
Ah.
(The two share an awkward moment)
HERMAN
Would you rather just fight?
GEORGE
…Yeah.
(The two begin fighting again like friends do. They end up
tangled in front of the couch. George bites Herman.)
HERMAN
OWW!!! You bit me!
GEORGE
Willingness to do anything Herman!
HERMAN
Son of a--- I can see teeth marks, dude!
(The two roll around, finally bumping into Viola, waking her up.
Viola quickly jumps onto the seat of the couch)
VIOLA
Oh FUCK THIS! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! Both of you cut
your shit. If you haven’t noticed I am the one here WITHOUT a dick. And if
either of you want to EVER see the alternative EVER AGAIN you will shut the
fuck up and let me sleep. I am the one in charge and that is the way it is! Now
cut it… and I don’t want
VIOLA (Cont’d)
to hear anymore discussion on the topic or there
will be no penises living in this apartment. Do I make myself clear?!
GEORGE and HERMAN
(Timidly)
…yes ma’am…
VIOLA
Sorry?
GEORGE and HERMAN
Yes ma’am.
VIOLA
Damn right.
(Viola flops down on the couch and resumes napping)
GEORGE
Oh damn…
HERMAN
… Yeah.
GEORGE
She just told you.
HERMAN
I said we should make decisions together.
VIOLA
(Without turning over)
I still have ears. Shut the fuck up and get some
rest.
HERMAN
She’s right. We need rest and water. We can begin
sorting out all this mess tomorrow.
GEORGE
Whatever.
(George begins to exit)
HERMAN
Hey George. Can you take Beth?
GEORGE
Nope. Snip snip.
(George exits implying Viola will use it to castrate Herman.
Light dims on the stage and rise on the Angels)
METATRON
Though no leader was chosen, one appears. The
suitors are willing to work together but they suffer from two distinct schools
of thought. That being either they all wear the pants or secretly, but
truthfully, matriarchy is in clear control.
URIEL
Amen! Never underestimate the power sex holds over
man.
MUNKAR
It is the true power behind all thrones.
METATRON
They will keep each other in check now.
(Uriel makes a whipping sound)
MUNKAR
Yes. We got it the first time. Thank you.
METATRON
The fallout period will end soon. This is a crucial
time for them now.
URIEL
May G.O.D. have mercy on them.
MUNKAR
Or smite them quickly.
Scene 6
(First title screen: 3 days after the flash)
(Second title screen: Trial 3: Here Kitty Kitty Kitty (Knife
emoji))
(Lights rise on the living room. No one is present at the
moment. There is a banging coming from the fridge. George enters)
GEORGE
What the…?
(George walks over to the fridge and slowly opens it. In it is
Major Tom who has eaten some of the food)
GEORGE
BAD CAT! That is people food!
(George throws the stiff, unmoving cat onto the furniture. It
may or may not bounce off and land on the floor)
MAJOR TOM
MMMEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWW!!!
GEORGE
Christ. You ate my bologna! You little shit. How’d
you even get INTO the fridge? We were trying to trap the cold air in there!
MAJOR TOM
Merrow…
GEORGE
No. You stay right there. We’re going to eat you
next.
(Viola enters having just woken up)
VIOLA
George… it’s too early. What’s the yelling about?
GEORGE
Herman’s fucking cat ninja’d into the fridge and ate
some bologna. Probably the last good meat in there! Hell, I don’t know how to
tell if it’s gone bad. I hope you get sick and die, Cat! Then we will all eat
well that night.
VIOLA
That cat’s alive?! I thought it was a taxidermy.
GEORGE
Fucker’s stealthy. Used to be a speedy little
fucker. Now he lulls you to sleep then strikes. Herman should’ve had me put it
down years ago.
VIOLA
Where is Herman? He wasn’t in bed.
GEORGE
He said it was okay to go out for a half hour. So he
went out to find anything he could. Thinks he’s MacGyver now. He’ll come back
and try to build a water filtration system out of milk jugs, dirt, and rocks.
Next thing you know we’ll be drinking our piss. Still shoulda taken a few guns
with him.
VIOLA
Oh… he should have woke me up… and there are worse
things than piss. Don’t ask. Still, he knew I wanted to go out.
GEORGE
He knew you didn’t feel great so he let you sleep.
Makes sense to me.
VIOLA
It’s just stomach pains from not eating in so long.
GEORGE
To him that’s a reason to step in… he really loves
you, you know.
VIOLA
I know…
GEORGE
Are you going to tell him?
VIOLA
About what?
GEORGE
You know—
VIOLA
I know what we did. In my opinion you fucked the
drugs, not me. You could’ve been a just a dick sticking out of a wall for all I
care.
GEORGE
Glory holes are hot too.
VIOLA
Fuck off.
GEORGE
You have to admit there was some chemistry there.
He’s never done some of “those things” to you and I know.
VIOLA
I take it that guys talk too?
GEORGE
About? … Relationships? Hell no. The walls are paper
thin. I can tell dreadfully boring sex when I hear it.
(Viola smiles and laughs a little)
VIOLA
He’s like tapas. Small servings but so many courses.
GEORGE
Sounds lame. So… how about it then?
VIOLA
About what?
GEORGE
You want to try it again?
VIOLA
You’re joking right?
GEORGE
It was a hard decision but I decided that this would
handy the situation best.
VIOLA
Did you really just try to tell me you want an “old
fashioned”?
GEORGE
How dare you erect such a stiff allegation against
me!
VIOLA
You’re amazing. You are the Modern Major General of
sex-starved pigs.
GEORGE
What can I say? I like it dirty. So do you. I had to
buy new sheets after last time.
(George oinks a couple of times and tries to look sexy. Viola
smiles and walks over to him in a slightly provocative way)
VIOLA
George… sweetie…
(Suddenly serious)
Keep dreaming.
(Claws
him violently in the junk and won’t let go.)
And if you talk to me like this again, the next time
I’ll pop them like grapes.
GEORGE
It’ll take your mind off the hunger.
VIOLA
I can’t even begin to tell you everything that’s
wrong with that statement. Do you even know how the body works? God, you’re a
moron sometimes. Besides, Herman’s coming up the stairs.
(Viola releases George’s testicles as Herman bursts in with some
supplies)
VIOLA
Food!
HERMAN
There are some canned beans and spam. All the bagged
stuff is ruined. I should tell you about the Twinkie…
GEORGE
What’s it like out there?
HERMAN
There’s no one in sight. A few animals maybe. There
are some screams in the distance but they can be coming from anything.
VIOLA
This isn’t going to last us long.
HERMAN
It should last us a little while.
VIOLA
Not when you can only eat the beans.
GEORGE
What is she talking about?
HERMAN
She’s vegan.
GEORGE
Gross. To think I-
HERMAN
I was hoping that you could suffer through it for a
while. I know you think its wrong but it has the nutrients we all need.
VIOLA
Suffer though it? …suffer! Like those pigs suffered?
HERMAN
Well that was before our world blew up, okay?
VIOLA
… I don’t know. Its still wrong, profiting off an
innocent death like that.
GEORGE
Tell you what. I’ll only eat spam to even things
out.
HERMAN
Are you sure?
(George opens a can and sticks his finger in pulling out a
little piece.)
GEORGE
Of course. It’s previously cooked ham bi-product
made in the U.S. of A. One of the gems that came out of the depression! How bad
can it be?
(Tastes it. Gags slightly.)
GEORGE
I can taste the freedom. I’m choking up.
HERMAN
I love it. Says it is canned in
GEORGE
No wonder it’s hard to swallow. Practically
Canadian.
VIOLA
Thank you for your sacrifice George. Now swallow it
all. You need the energy.
(George swallows)
GEORGE
…mph… delicious…
HERMAN
Now I did see something while I was out. Sam Weiss’
lawn and garden store was still standing. That could mean a generator. Maybe
the things we’d need to make a makeshift shower.
VIOLA
What about soil? Like packaged soil? Seeds?
HERMAN
Could be inside. If it was shielded from the blast.
GEORGE
We could grow our own food. Potatoes, carrots…
HERMAN
Given we can find everything we need.
VIOLA
That’s not all we could grow…
HERMAN
You don’t mean…
VIOLA
I have a surprise.
HERMAN
Viola, no…
(Viola digs through her bad quickly and pulls out a plastic
baggie filled with seeds. She triumphantly raises it into the air in victory. A
heavenly light shines down upon it and all seem to be glazed on it. Herman
quickly breaks away from its spell)
GEORGE
Are those?
VIOLA
Weed seeds? Yes. They. Are. Been collecting them for
years.
GEORGE
There is a GOD!
VIOLA
Praise which ever deity you wish! As Cthulhu as my
witness we shall not go weed-less again.
HERMAN
But for real, food comes first.
(Lights suddenly return to normal)
VIOLA
Aww… epic buzz kill.
HERMAN
So who’s going to go?
GEORGE
Why can’t you? You know where it’s at.
HERMAN
During the first three to seven days after an atomic
explosion contact with the outsides is advised to be limited to thirty minutes
each day. And I used my thirty.
VIOLA
Okay. How the fuck do you know all this?
HERMAN
All of what?
VIOLA
All of this. Ever since that damn thing went off
you’ve been the one with all the answers.
HERMAN
What are you getting at?
GEORGE
Herman. Tell us.
(Herman is baffled he fights to find the words.)
HERMAN
Well truth be told, I was kind of wishing that this
would happen. I mean face it; our world had turned to shit. It was poorly
organized. The same tired people always voted for more of the same and everyone
was out for themselves even if it meant hurting everyone else. It was all a
bunch of bullshit! This seemed so much simpler. Live or die. No one to tell you
how or tell you what you are doing is against the law. It’s true freedom.
Survival of the fittest.
GEORGE
That was… beautiful…
VIOLA
Still doesn’t answer my question.
HERMAN
Okay. It was this book. The Ultimate Guide to
(A slide puts up the
citation: Jay McCullough., Ed. The
Ultimate Guide to
(Second slide: 954 pages)
HERMAN
Strangely, it’s printed and bound in
GEORGE
It’s so big.
(George picks it up and flips through the pages)
GEORGE
Wow. Cool. It shows you how to kill a man using your
bare hands. Over a hundred variations.
HERMAN
The last chapter is on surviving a nuclear bomb. I’m
just going by the book.
VIOLA
Alright. I trust you. Thirty minutes?
HERMAN
If not faster. It’s just a couple blocks.
VIOLA
Ready, George?
GEORGE
Which place is this?
HERMAN
Sam Weiss’ Lawn and Garden. You know. It’s the one
that always has those goofy flamingos out front. Over by Pie Times Bakery. It’s
that shitty strip mall with video game shop that’s never open and that pawn
shop that got shut down for human trafficking.
GEORGE
Oh that one. Really? That one? Okay… Thirty minutes
starting now.
(They leave in a hurry. Herman looks around and sees Major Tom
near the couch.)
HERMAN
Tom… What are you doing, silly boy?
MAJOR TOM
Merr…
HERMAN
Yeah, I know. We’ll find you some kitty food soon.
(Herman picks up the cat when suddenly Viola and George burst
back in the room, slamming the door behind them. It startles Herman and he
drops his cat on the coffee table. It bounces off. George meanwhile keeps
yelling “Shit, shit, shit.” Over and over again as he shoves things against the
door.)
HERMAN
Guys?
VIOLA
We’re not going anywhere. There’s a small hitch.
GEORGE
More like a fucking epic one! We’ve got fuckin’
mutants.
HERMAN
Mutants? Is that really the best you can--?
GEORGE
This isn’t a joke.
HERMAN
Mutants. Like the X-Men?
GEORGE
No. Don’t be fucking thick.
HERMAN
But people don’t mutate like that, they get
radiation poisoning and die.
GEORGE
Tell that to the starving thing outside with two
torsos!
HERMAN
You guys are full of shit. Think I’ll believe
anything. I was just out there. There were no mutants.
GEORGE
Go ahead, look.
(Herman moves the desk or bookcase blocking the door and takes a
step outside. He quickly does an about face and slams the door behind him.)
HERMAN
There’s fucking mutants out there. Certainly wasn’t
ready for that.
GEORGE
You didn’t observe your surroundings and now they must
have followed you home.
HERMAN
We can’t take care of them. Not all of them, that
is.
VIOLA
Help them?! I think they want to kill us, eat us and
wear our skin like a scarf.
HERMAN
Babe, help me find some gloves. They’re all likely
to have severe radiation poisoning. We shouldn’t touch them without any kind of
protection.
GEORGE
Like putting condoms on your hands?
HERMAN
Not a bad idea. But I don’t have any.
GEORGE
You have to.
HERMAN
I don’t use them.
GEORGE
‘Atta boy!
HERMAN
It’s not like I need to. I can’t have kids,
remember? Remember… when I had testicular cancer?
(Uriel and Munkar look at each other
confused)
GEORGE
Ummm… It sounds familiar.
HERMAN
You visited me everyday. It’s what inspired me into
becoming a nutritionist.
GEORGE
I remember your girlfriend kept coming by my place
all worried about you. I had to comfort her almost daily.
HERMAN
The one who got pregnant and left me?
GEORGE
Sex can be comforting.
HERMAN
You slept with my girlfriend when I had cancer?!
GEORGE
No! She preferred being on top. So technically she
fucked me.
HERMAN
No. Dip shit. Fucking is determined by who’s doing
the penetrating. And you penetrated my likely dead now ex girlfriend.
GEORGE
SO? There are fucking mutants now! The world’s
fucked! We could live a life of true Chaotic decadence. Dare I say, Caligulan.
Orgies. Drugs. Pointless violence. Maybe even a fire or two.
HERMAN
You’re a real piece of shit.
GEORGE
Get over it! It was over ten years ago!
HERMAN
Why didn’t you pay child support?
GEORGE
Paternity test. It was Nate Cole’s kid.
HERMAN
She slept with NATE too?! I thought we were saving
ourselves for each other.
VIOLA
Christ! Does it even matter now?! How does this
conversation have ANYTHING to do with the situation at hand? The truth of the
matter is that we need to get to that store and do so without going near those
mutants.
HERMAN
And if they try to get in?
GEORGE
I have all my girls to help us.
(George pulls out a duffle bag of weapons, seemingly out of
nowhere. He pulls out each as he remembers their names and an image of each is
projected.
GEORGE
Alice, Zoe, Selene, Ramona, Miho and now Beth.
VIOLA
I get the other names but why Beth?
GEORGE
Why the fuck not? I like Beth. Betty’s a fine ladies
name.
VIOLA
Fair enough, dude.
HERMAN
So what do we do?
GEORGE
We get to work.
(George pulls out Alice, his double barreled sawed off shotgun
and cocks it. They sit around the coffee table to plan. The lights dim on them
and rise on the angels)
MUNKAR
This should be interesting.
URIEL
Thank G.O.D. that something is actually about to
happen. I’m thirsty for some action.
METATRON
Fools. Don’t you see? They take on two trials at
once. If they do not find a way to complete one of the trials soon, they will
fail.
MUNKAR
The battle for mankind begins.
URIEL
Let the overseers witness mankind’s most epic fight
for survival on this tiny patch of its creation. Let the fight begin!
(A slide is projected: Trial 3: Incomplete. Trial 4: Commencing.)
(A second slide is projected: END OF ACT 1 )
(A third slide is projected: Fifteen minute intermission: Please
enjoy our overpriced snacks and refreshments)
(The audience plant gets up and stretches. She pulls out her
phone and continues sharing her story with the person on the other line. She
goes mostly unnoticed with the exception of her loud talking and the awkward
things she is saying in public. This would be a good time to count and apply
the results of your pre-show poll)
END OF ACT 1
(During this time make sure that the actor who is playing
Gabriel works during the intermission. Like really tend the concession stand or
something. Give an overseer a moment later when they realize the person who
sold them a muffin in a bag is actually a part of the operation/ show)
(Use the space below to brainstorm all the jobs you can make
Gabriel do)
ACT II
Scene 1
(First title card: ACT II. 30 minutes later)
(Second title card: We Left a Trail of Bodies… for dirt, 3
Cokes, and a Slim-Jim)
(Lights rise on the apartment. It is clearly a little, tiny bit
later in the day. On the couch reading a newspaper is Metatron. The paper has
the headline: “Doomsday Cometh: Columbus Day Parade Cancelled.” Munkar, bored,
is thumbing through the books and videos. Occasionally he pulls out something
to look at. The sounds of Mutant people being murdered in cold blood by a
shotgun and a sword fills the air. It’s clear that the humans are winning. So
much so that the two don’t even bother to watch. Finally Uriel enters. She is
covered in blood.)
URIEL
It is won.
METATRON
Then the battle is over.
MUNKAR
Humanity lives to fight again.
URIEL
And let all their battles be as truly epic and
biblical. A feast for the eyes. 3 pillars of humanity savagely putting down
Lucifer’s horde without hesitation, without mercy.
METATRON
It bodes well for them that the overseers got to
witness such a desperate fight for survival.
MUNKAR
They will be pleased with the humans. Not so much
with Uriel’s appearance though.
URIEL
Apologies. I was taking a trip down memory lane.
MUNKAR
Flashback to 1099 C.E. again, eh?
URIEL
You mean A.D.
MUNKAR
C.E. It’s now the “Common Era”.
URIEL
Since when did you care about being PC? It’s A.D.
Anno Domini. Been that way since 525 A.D. Just because you slap a new name on
it doesn’t mean you’re not still using the Christian calendar.
METATRON
Oh for Eric’s sake! What’s it matter? We don’t live
by their clock. Why do you think we live so long by their calendar? We all know
it’s the year 5783. You all can argue the semantics of your made up calendars
but 5783 solar years ago was when we realized it would be a good idea to start
counting. Now get on with it!
URIEL
I was mistaken. I am sorry.
METATRON
And Munkar has a point. The Overseers do not want to
stare at your blood stains for the rest of the trials.
URIEL
Sir, if I remove the cloak I become visible.
MUNKAR
Then clean it fast.
METATRON
They have clothes in the sink. Use that water.
URIEL
And if they return?
METATRON
Hide. You’re an angel. This should be second nature
by now.
URIEL
I know… I just…I don’t…
(She sighs and bows her head in defeat. She unzips her cloak.
Underneath she is wearing a short white dress with a large red crusades style
cross going from top to bottom. She is lightly armored, with tall combat boots
and a large sword at her side. Her wings are tight to her body, white, and
fluffy. It is a true mixture of a “going to the clubs” look crossed with
medieval armament. Almost cosplay in appearance.)
URIEL
Is everyone happy now?
METATRON
…huh? What? …erm, I mean yes. More professional now.
URIEL
Good. Glad you both got to see the new body. I’m
just glad they are finally letting us appear like we want to appear. The big
man was straight up tripping with all those wings and eyeballs.
(Uriel goes back to the sink and starts to wash her cloak.
Metatron and Munkar still sit but stare at her as she bends over the sink to
scrub.)
URIEL
(Without turning)
Stop staring at my ass!
(There is a loud shot gun blast and the sound of foot steps.)
GEORGE (Offstage)
Twenty four! All headshots mother fuckahs!
(Uriel panics and runs into the closet and closes it behind her.
As soon as it latches the front door bursts open. George walks in with his
shotgun smoking hot. He has sunglasses and an aviator’s jacket on.)
GEORGE
Honey! I’m home!!!
(Herman and Viola walk in with bags of dirt in their hands.
Viola also has a plastic bag filled with items and George’s sword ‘Miho’ belted
on her side. )
HERMAN
George, shut up.
VIOLA
“Honey. I’m home.” Is that all you can say? After
ALL THAT!?
GEORGE
It’s funny and strangely badass at the same time.
VIOLA
It makes no fucking sense.
GEORGE
What’s gotten up your ass?
VIOLA
Oh, maybe it’s the fact we just killed like fifty
people!
GEORGE
Hey! You took your fair share of heads with us.
VIOLA
After they attacked us. After you shot a mutant cop
in the head, point blank, with your shotgun and yelled “fuck the capitol
police!” They weren’t attacking us until then!
GEORGE
Her name is
HERMAN
George. There’s a hole. You’re digging deeper. What happened,
happened. No denying that. But we got
what we went for. They would’ve died soon anyways. Their poisoning was severe.
VIOLA
We don’t know that.
GEORGE
You think the dude wearing his intestines like a
scarf was going to make it?
VIOLA
No.
HERMAN
We have to look at it as mercy. That’s the only way
to keep us sane. We don’t have to like it, just accept it.
GEORGE
Can we like it?
HERMAN
Are you sick?
GEORGE
(George shrugs)
Nah man. That was straight up Resident Evil just
now. I’ve never been better. Well except for that fucking tragedy.
HERMAN
What now?
GEORGE
I forgot Beth. She just sat there this whole time.
She hasn’t tasted blood yet.
VIOLA
Hey Captain Chadbro. How about you go make sure we
didn’t get followed.
GEORGE
The big dog is on it. Bring em on.
(George cocks his gun and goes out the door)
VIOLA
God, what a dick. I can’t believe I let him… talk me
into that.
HERMAN
You know they say war brings out the worst in us.
VIOLA
Difference is he wanted it out.
HERMAN
I think we can make this work out. We have enough
soil and these Rubbermaid Re-sealable
containers. We can use these for potting small plants to storing valuable
fruits and vegetables for days without spoiling.
(Rubbermaid logo and purchasing info is
displayed)
VIOLA
Wow. That’s versatile.
HERMAN
We have seeds, right?
VIOLA
In my purse.
HERMAN
Alright. I snagged this dead radio as well. What all
did George grab with his bag?
(Viola looks in the plastic bag. She looks up disappointedly.)
VIOLA
Three Cokes and a spicy Slim Jim.
HERMAN
That’s it?
GEORGE (Outside the door)
That’s all you need! Now come and get some!
VIOLA
Would it have killed you to grab some fucking
chips!?
(Loud gun shot)
GEORGE (Outside the door)
TTWWWWENNTTTYYYYY FIIIIIIIIVVVVVEE!
HERMAN
Take that as a yes.
VIOLA
I KILLED TEN PEOPLE FOR THREE COKES AND A GOD DAMN
SLIM JIM!!!! JESUS H. CHRIST!
(She sits down seriously bummed out)
I hate this. All this… all this death. It’s like
community theatre in here.
HERMAN
Hey. Don’t say that. Nothing can be that bad. It’s
just the stress…You should lie down. Relax. Take a nap. Cool off.
VIOLA
You’re right. Will you tuck me in?
HERMAN
For a while.
VIOLA
Until I fall to sleep?
HERMAN
Until you fall to sleep.
(Viola gives him a smile, takes him by the hand, and walks him
to the bedroom. Uriel waits a moment before cracking the door open. She takes a
small step out when the front door bursts open. She quickly retreats as George
bursts back in the room. He throws the gun behind the counter)
MAJOR TOM (behind the
counter)
MMMEEEOOOWWW!!!
GEORGE
Fucking cat.
(George takes off his coat and walks over to the closet. He
opens it and throws his coat in without really looking in it. His coat hits
Uriel in the face. He throws the door shut and walks down to the couch before
stopping and turning back to the closet. He looks puzzled and slowly walks back
to the closet door)
GEORGE
Umm… Mrs. Bennett?... or ummm… Mrs. Bennett’s ghost?
Was that you?
(He slowly opens the door with his eyes closed and opens them
slowly to see his coat folded on the water bottles and Uriel no where to be
seen. He screams. Then looks puzzled.)
GEORGE
Oh… Thanks.
(He shrugs it off and
closes the door. He whistles as he skips down to the couch and begins cleaning
his handgun. Lights slowly fade on the room but stay on the Angels. Munkar and
Metatron look at each other and share a sigh of relief. We see Uriel crawl up
through a small section of ceiling to the floor above)
MUNKAR
They have completed the third and fourth trials.
METATRON
But now they face the tests that will make or break
their civilization.
URIEL
Keeping healthy.
MUNKAR
Staying entertained.
METATRON
Procreating.
URIEL
And prolonged survival.
METATRON
Let us hope they do not trip up.
URIEL
Wow. This landlady worshipped Satan!
MUNKAR
Ugh…
(Lights fade out completely)
Scene 2
(First slide: 10 days after the flash)
(Second slide: Trial 5: An Apple a Day… is bullshit)
(Lights rise on Herman doing jumping jacks. Beth still rests on
the table and Uriel still watches from above. She is noticeably cold. Metatron
flips through a smaller magazine with a headline: “How the EPA is saving Our
World”. Munkar picks at a hangnail as Herman counts his jumping jacks from 210
to 250. George enters with Zoe, his rifle.)
HERMAN
Oh George. I got that radio I found the other day
working. It’s running off a car battery. We’ll need to go out and find more
power soon though.
GEORGE
K.
(George rips off the plastic on the window and opens it. Herman
notices and quizzically stops)
HERMAN
What are you doing? Don’t tear down that plastic.
GEORGE
I’m hunting.
HERMAN
You’re going to make us all sick.
GEORGE
How do you think? The fallout period ended.
HERMAN
Uh, I don’t know. Maybe because the temperature has
fallen forty degrees since the flash. You know what that means, don’t you?
Nuclear Winter!
GEORGE
Cold kills viruses, dude. And we need the food.
HERMAN
We still have canned goods and our plants have
started sprouting.
GEORGE
Damn it Herman. We can’t eat cold kidney beans and
spam every meal. I’m a hunter. I need real meat. Protein. Victory.
(Herman looks out the window)
HERMAN
So you’re going to shoot a rabbit that has a baby
rabbit fused on its back?
GEORGE
Yes. I’m going to kill the freak bunny. You have a
problem with that?
HERMAN
Just kill them both quickly.
GEORGE
It pains you to see a baby suffer.
(George shoots. The load squeal of the baby rabbit is heard and
is annoyingly constant.)
GEORGE
I welcome its cries.
HERMAN
You’re an asshole.
GEORGE
It won’t suffer long. Just long enough to attract
larger game.
(The screaming continues for an exceedingly long time. It grows
more and more desperate before George shoots the baby rabbit)
GEORGE
There.
HERMAN
Thank you for killing the baby rabbit for me. I needed
that today.
GEORGE
No problem. Glad I could help.
(George goes back to looking out the window. He looks intensely
until he sees something he can’t believe. He looks to Herman then looks back to
confirm what he had seen.)
GEORGE
Holy shit. … Hey. It’s Mr. Cooper. He survived.
HERMAN
Our tenth grade math teacher?
GEORGE
Yeah. He looks like hell. But I would recognize that
awful St Louis Rams windbreaker anywhere.
HERMAN
…I think that his skin has melted off his face… and
what is that?
GEORGE
That would be his severed left arm in his right
hand. Like a baton.
HERMAN
He’s probably seen us. We can’t let him in here.
GEORGE
He’s getting closer.
HERMAN
Fuck. What do we do? Those mutants were strangers.
But we know this guy. We can kill strangers. But I don’t know about one of my dad’s
friends.
GEORGE
Will you calm down? I’ll just shoot him.
HERMAN
But we know him! That’s like murder!
GEORGE
He looks like
[Insert recently deceased celebrity here (Preferably one of those ones no one
really liked that much)]. Hell
yes I am going to murder him!
HERMAN
Oooh.
GEORGE
Too soon?
HERMAN
Just a bit.
GEORGE
Fuck. Oh well.
(George aims)
HERMAN
But-
GEORGE
No buts Herman. He has to die.
HERMAN
Fine. But aim for the brain he loved using so much.
GEORGE
Hey, what do you think is the total distance from my
barrel to his head? Given that we are 30 feet above the ground and he is
roughly 200 feet from the building.
HERMAN
You mean what is the hypotenuse?
GEORGE
The hypotenuse. That’s what it’s called! Yeah, the
hypotenuse!
(George starts firing rapidly while screaming)
GEORGE
THE MOTHER FUCKIN’ HYPOTENUSE!
HERMAN
202.24 feet.
GEORGE
How do you figure?
HERMAN
Pythagoreans theorem. You know. A squared by B
squared equals c squared. We learned it in Mr. Cooper’s class actually.
GEORGE
Nope. Forgot all that.
HERMAN
How did you graduate? And you used your entire clip
on something that isn’t food.
GEORGE
Says who?
HERMAN
I do. It’s cannibalism.
GEORGE
It’s protein.
HERMAN
George. I am doing my damnedest to keep us all
healthy. I’ve supplied us with water and food. I’ve even made exercise
schedules for all of us. But I can’t let you risk all of that because you want
a little man meat in your mouth.
GEORGE
Dude!
HERMAN
What? Man meat?
GEORGE
No. Exercise schedules… that’s a bit of an invasion
man. My body my choice… to exercise.
HERMAN
Yeah and those schedules will be extremely helpful.
GEORGE
But if we’re the only ones left then what’s it
matter?
HERMAN
We’ll find others. Maybe even find a girl that’ll
stay with you longer than a night… or a few hours.
GEORGE
Until then we’ll do jumping jacks and stay inside
where it’s safe? Great plan.
HERMAN
Don’t get pissy.
GEORGE
Why not? I get to do jumping jacks all day while you
two fuck like bunnies AND I’ll have to listen to every moan and groan instead
of killing helpless mutated animals.
HERMAN
Excuse me?
GEORGE
Oh please. I was full witness to your cardio routine
last night.
HERMAN
Viola’s my girlfriend. It’s only natural. I’m sorry
we were unusually loud last night. Would you rather I tell you each time or put
a sock on my door knob?
GEORGE
It’s just ironic that you talk about rebuilding the
human race yet you’re the one shooting blanks.
HERMAN
Are you seriously suggesting…?
GEORGE
You know what? Forget it. Forget I said anything.
HERMAN
You want to impregnate my girlfriend. Give her the
old green gown. That’s it, isn’t it?
GEORGE
Nope.
HERMAN
No, that’s exactly it. You want to notch another of
my girlfriends. Fucks sake George, we’re not in high school anymore. You need
to find your own connections. I haven’t wasted my shot with Viola yet.
GEORGE
If you want the human race to continue I may have
to.
HERMAN
Let’s not talk about this anymore. She has the real
say in this anyway. We’ll find others.
GEORGE
You know I’m right.
HERMAN
We’ll find another way. Another survivor. Another
woman. Anyone.
GEORGE
If only Mrs. Bennett were still alive…
HERMAN
That’s fucking sick.
GEORGE
I meant to talk some sense into you. But now that
you mention it I bet she is all dry and crusty now.
HERMAN
You’d fuck anything if given the chance.
GEORGE
That’s not true. I wouldn’t fuck you.
HERMAN
You say that now.
GEORGE
You say that like you want me to.
(Viola enters)
VIOLA
Morning boys.
(Slight awkward moment)
VIOLA
Whatcha talking about?
HERMAN
Nothing. Sports.
VIOLA
Uh huh…
HERMAN
No really.
GEORGE
Herman made us exercise schedules.
VIOLA
Oh. Does last night’s workout count?
GEORGE
You see! Fuck. I hate jumping jacks!
(George storms out)
VIOLA
Did I miss something?
HERMAN
Nothing out of the ordinary. He knows all about our
workout routine. He stumbled in on us last night.
VIOLA
Don’t remember that.
HERMAN
Me neither. I had my eyes on something else. Dem
collarbones were driving my crazy.
VIOLA
You’re cute.
HERMAN
So you’re not mad?
VIOLA
About?
HERMAN
Him seeing you naked?
VIOLA
Eh. Probably not the first tits he’s seen.
HERMAN
But they’re yours.
VIOLA
Plenty of people have seen me in the act. I’ve done
things your vanilla mind wouldn’t believe.
HERMAN
Like with two girls?
VIOLA
Oh please, honey. There’s a reason I don’t play
“Never have I ever” because I fucking have.
GEORGE (behind the door)
What about anal?
VIOLA
Too much prep work. Not worth it.
HERMAN
Oh…
VIOLA
But that was all a past life. Before I slowed it
down, cleaned up and found you. My wild days are mostly over. Every now and
then I may need to get my freak on but it’ll be with you and probably some very
interesting household items. You have to trust me, I’ve changed and you’ve
helped with that.
HERMAN
Let’s keep building on it. Next stop: smoke free.
VIOLA
Are you for real? … Seriously, I’m having this
moment and you bring that up? You’d have more luck reviving the dead then
getting me to quit.
HERMAN
It turns your brain to jello.
VIOLA
You never complained before.
HERMAN
Yeah when there was a thing called “civilization”.
Back before the weight of the world was on our shoulders. You know you are
filling your lungs with the same tar that’s in your pipe, right? All I’m saying
is we partake differently. Make edibles or something. Save our lungs.
VIOLA
Are you finished?
HERMAN
I got more.
VIOLA
Save it.
HERMAN
Well aren’t you just spitting fire today.
VIOLA
You did not just—
HERMAN
What? Ever since the flash you’ve become all
reckless and moody. Calm and cool one moment, the next you’re pulling your hair
out. Can you blame me for noticing—
VIOLA
I’ve changed? I’ve--! How about you? You used to
have fun once and a while. But lately you’ve had a Goliath sized rod up your
ass!
HERMAN
What do call last night?!
(George opens the door, obviously listening. Slight hesitation
before belting it out)
GEORGE
You having your David sized rod up her ass?
VIOLA
Oh fuck off. For the last time I don’t do anal.
GEORGE
Yet.
VIOLA
Never.
GEORGE
Good as any time to start… so tonight? I’m fresh out
of lube but have an industrial sized jar of Vaseline.
HERMAN
George, you want to close that door.
GEORGE
Yes I do.
(George closes the door still staring out it)
VIOLA
Fuck…I can’t take this anymore. I have one guy who desperately
wants to fuck me and another who wants to keep me locked up. I can’t live if
we’re always shut in here.
HERMAN
What do you suggest then?
VIOLA
I don’t know. Something. Something that isn’t dollar
tree Sudoku books or crappy Tom Clancy novels. Seriously judging your guys
choice of literature, by the way.
HERMAN
Maybe like throw a party?
VIOLA
With just us?
HERMAN
Just a suggestion. Getting fucked up might be fun.
VIOLA
Yeah. Lets get fucked up and just sit here doing
what we always do… nothing.
(George bursts through the door)
GEORGE
A threesome!?
HERMAN and VIOLA
No!
GEORGE
Then what about we get fucked up and have a talent
show. We could all prep something and present it.
VIOLA
That sounds… amazing! Like a poetry reading.
GEORGE
Or well maybe something less boring.
VIOLA
Thin ice George. Thin ice.
(Lights shift as Viola goes into one of the bedrooms. Focus goes
to the angels as the roommates go prepare something for the talent show.)
URIEL
I love talent shows!
MUNKAR
This is good. This will help keep them sane for a
while.
METATRON
They have done well maintaining themselves
physically. So in a way this fulfills the requirements of the trial.
URIEL
They still have some unresolved emotional issues
though.
MUNKAR
All will be settled when time has passed.
URIEL
Really?
MUNKAR
Yes.
URIEL
You, of all people think that time cures all wounds?
MUNKAR
What are you implying?
URIEL
You’ve never let the first crusade go and you damn
well know it.
MUNKAR
Maybe if you didn’t murder everyone along the way I
would forgive and forget.
METATRON
Oh shut up already. My people have had it the worst
and don’t you even suggest otherwise. Both your people have been mass murdering
mine for thousands of years and I’m your boss. How do you think I feel?
URIEL
Sorry Sir.
MUNKAR
My apologies wise one.
METATRON
And while we’re at it, Uriel, recover your cloak as
soon as possible. You are not only visible but audible. This operation is all
for not if you are discovered before the trials are complete.
URIEL
They never leave.
METATRON
Then make them leave.
URIEL
How?
MUNKAR
Hope.
URIEL
Hope?
METATRON
The landlady has an old battery powered radio. Lead
them on a wild goose chase.
URIEL
How do you know there’s a radio up here?
METATRON
It was in the dossier. Did you not read it? I don’t
make these things for my own personal amusement. I went into great detail--
URIEL
But they might die out there.
METATRON
Then they fail the trials and we try again.
URIEL
No. I won’t do it.
MUNKAR
Then I will.
METATRON
If you don’t want to be discovered then you won’t
interfere.
(Munkar pulls out a small radio and begins to speak. Only it
isn’t his voice. It’s Uriel’s)
MUNKAR
Hello. Hello… is there anyone out there?
(Lights shift back to the apartment.)
RADIO
Is anybody out there? … I’m alone. It’s so cold and
I’m hungry… Hello! Can anyone help me? I’m at the corner of, uh, 26th
and Charter.
HERMAN
That’s on the outskirts of town.
(George grabs the radio)
GEORGE
Yes. Hello. We received your call. We’ll send help
right away.
RADIO
Is…? Is someone there? I can’t hear you clearly.
HERMAN
We have to go help her.
GEORGE
I’ll grab the girls.
HERMAN
(Knocking on the door)
Viola. Viola. We think we found another survivor.
George and I are going to check it out. We’ll be back before it gets dark. Keep
the doors blocked.
GEORGE
Ready to do this?
HERMAN
Yeah. Let’s go.
(George and Herman grab their guns and leave. Forgetting Beth on
the table again. Uriel starts to climb back down to grab her cloak when Viola enters
and proceeds to kick back and lights up what is left of her joint.)
VIOLA
Mmmm… about time… huh. They forgot Beth.
(Lights shift back to the Angels. Uriel having seen Viola enter,
scurries back up to the floor above)
URIEL
Great plan…
MUNKAR
Give it time.
URIEL
We’re going to get them killed.
METATRON
The other two are not necessarily needed anymore. We
have everything we need right here.
(Lights fade)
Scene 3
(First slide: 3 weeks after)
(Second slide: Trial 6. The show must go on…)
(Lights rise on the apartment. Viola is arranging the furniture
to create a small staging area. Uriel sits with anticipation. Metatron and
Munkar could care less. They read, knit, or anything that kills time without
much effort. Along one wall there are rows young plants growing. Viola stands
back to look at her handy work.)
VIOLA
There. Not bad.
(Viola lights some candles next to the stage)
VIOLA
Needs more light.
(Viola goes behind the counter and pulls out a tiny generator
and plugs a couple lights into it. She starts to pull the cord to start it up.
It doesn’t start. She tries again repeatedly to no effect. Until it finally
starts. She lets out a small yelp of excitement. It immediately dies)
VIOLA
Ugh… you piece of shit.
(She kicks it and hurts her foot, but the generator turns over
and starts)
VIOLA
Damn right.
(Viola walks to grab some whiskey and glasses out of the
cupboard when it dies again)
VIOLA
Oh you are evil.
(She pours herself a shot)
VIOLA
Any day now…
(She waits. Begins tapping her finger. Uriel, bored as well,
knocks.)
VIOLA
George? Herman?
(No reply)
METATRON
Uriel… knock it off.
MUNKAR
If you want to be mischievous, stick to the
classics.
URIEL
Like footsteps from the floor above? Cliché fake
ghost noises?
MUNKAR
Or hide their keys or steal one of their socks.
Subtle and not beyond their own follies, that’s the key.
URIEL
Boring! Long assignments are the worst.
VIOLA
Did someone say something?
METATRON
Good going. She heard you.
MUNKAR
Why haven’t you recovered your cloak yet?
URIEL
It’s proving to be difficult to recover. I’m afraid
I have to consider it a wildcard.
MUNKAR
Excuse me?
URIEL
A wildcard.
METATRON
Hmmm… How dastardly Old Testament of you.
URIEL
Sir. I officially invoke Article 404 Section 3
subsection 956932.3 bullet point c.
METATRON
(Citing from memory)
“In the event of a shortage of hotel rooms during
annual G.O.D. conferences, rooms should be prioritized by seniority of members
and lesser accommodations should be issued for non-deity prophets and lesser
beings.” Not entirely sure how that would apply for our current situation.
URIEL
I meant Article 404 Section 3 subsection 956932.3
bullet point b.
MUNKAR
(Citing from memory)
“In the eventuality that G.O.D. agents have already
interfered with possible test results, the use of a wildcard may be permitted
to right the deviation or amend the test parameters at the Operation Directors
discretion.” I hardly think—
URIEL
You sent both men out on a wild goose chase. In the
cold. With God knows what out there right now. And I know the guys who make the
mutants and other monsters and they are pretty fracking weird in that
department. Herman might come back ripped in half by a giant badger for all we
know. My cloak is minor for the time being and may not even factor into the
results.
METATRON
Fine. Personally I think you are just too afraid to
go get it.
(George enters dramatically once again.)
GEORGE
Here’s Johnny!
VIOLA
That one is even worse than the last one! Can you
please think of your own catchphrase instead of paraphrasing cliché TV
entrances.
GEORGE
“One of these days Viola. Bang zoom!” Now you
pouring those shots or what? I’ll take a triple.
VIOLA
Regardless of what your think, you can’t impress me.
GEORGE
I’d like to see you try that shot.
(Viola smiles and pours herself a triple and takes it without
much effort or pain and sets the glass down. She smirks.)
VIOLA
Also if you ever threaten me with that abusive
Jackie Gleason bullshit from the 50’s again, I’ll break this bottle and shove
it so far up your ass you’ll bleed to death.
GEORGE
That is so hot. Well, to the end of days.
(George takes his shot quickly and recklessly. It doesn’t sit
well and he starts to cough as if he were going to vomit)
VIOLA
So far so good. Learn to handle your alcohol. Now where’s
Herman?
GEORGE
He was still looking for that woman. Should be on
his way back.
VIOLA
Does he know what today is?
GEORGE
Yes and he knows you’d nail his half empty sack to
the wall if he missed it.
VIOLA
At least you’re prepared right?
GEORGE
Oh I whipped up something that might be kinda funny.
VIOLA
Good. Is it…? Nope not going to ask. Surprise me.
GEORGE
No worries there. Should be pretty shocking. But it
looks like the gennies out of gas.
VIOLA
Oh. Yeah. Forgot to tell ya.
GEORGE
Damn. Should’ve got some while I was out.
(Herman bursts in, exhausted and shivering. He coughs as he
tries to warm up)
VIOLA
Finally.
HERMAN
26th and Charter. That’s a 3 mile walk.
GEORGE
Any luck?
HERMAN
No… oh F… right. Talent night. Yeah.
VIOLA
Don’t tell me you forgot. ‘Cause come hell of high
water you will amuse me before the night is through. Even if it means
gladiatorial combat with disfigured mutants.
HERMAN
No I have something.
VIOLA
(Suddenly cheerful and playful)
Oh okay then.
(She pecks him on the cheek and sits down)
HERMAN
Just not ready at the moment.
GEORGE
Do it!
HERMAN
When I can feel more than just my lungs, I will. You
guys go first please while I shed these layers.
GEORGE
A convenient excuse!
HERMAN
You turned back half way you big baby. If anything
you should go first for being the idiot who has gone to the farm and fleet 6
times now and not picked up a winter coat yet. Spicy Slim Jims don’t cure
frostbite! That being said, I’m not feeling too hot right now. Vi, care if I go
later?
VIOLA
Sure. I’ll just go first. I wrote a poem.
GEORGE
Surprise!
(Viola shoots him a STFU look and pulls out her paper)
VIOLA
But first… I have a little surprise for us.
(She pulls out a bag of weed. The heavenly light returns to
illuminate it. A choir of angels is heard)
VIOLA
The first harvest. It isn’t fully mature yet but
will still get the job done. George.
(She tosses the bag to George who sniffs it and begins to load
it in a corncob pipe he has in his pocket. The heavenly light follows the weed
to George’s position on the couch)
GEORGE
It’s beautiful.
HERMAN
But---
VIOLA
--Ep pa pa pa. Tonight’s my night so you fucking
smoke it.
(George hands him the pipe. He hesitates but lights it with a
match. He exhales, coughs, and goes to hand it to Viola)
VIOLA
Oh honey, please.
(She pulls out a joint the size of a cigar and lights it as she
begins to read her poem. The boys pass the pipe back and forth)
VIOLA
This is called: My Nightmare.
I stand on edge
Toes linger over black sea
below
Convince myself
That the way to know
Is to travel the unknown
Raise my leg
Foundation planted in
reality
Slowly I lurch forward
The eyes
Millions stare at me.
Countless number, varied
size
Crossing their zenith I
awaken them.
I freeze
I cannot go forward
I cannot retreat
I am stuck
Tell myself I can do this
I can’t.
The eyes dissect me.
Searching every lump,
crevasse
Continuing to stare…
Stare…
Stare…
Stop!
They close
Weight of my leg pulls me off my foundation
Falling into the cold black
abyss
I can’t swim
Have forgotten how
I struggle.
I toss
I flail
Screaming with all I have
HELP ME
No sound comes out
I try again
HELP ME
Eyes open, I freeze
Sinking slowly I reach for light
above me
That I’ll never reach
I let go, let it all in.
Come sea
Take me away from here!
(The two clap and Viola takes a little bow)
HERMAN
Wow. That was so… so…
GEORGE
Emo.
HERMAN
Visual. Strong imagery.
GEORGE
Those could’ve been Good Charlotte lyrics, they were
that emo.
VIOLA
You were expecting sunshine and lollipops?
GEORGE
I’d love to hear something raunchy. Or at least
funny like me.
VIOLA
Alright then let’s see what you got. Let the talent
show become a talent contest. Herman’s the judge because no offense honey, I
doubt you put much time into this.
GEORGE
You’re on! Herman will have to choose between his
best friend and a night on the couch. But here’s the deal, you can’t look until
I am ready.
HERMAN
Oh come on…
GEORGE
Seriously. It’s a surprise. Turn around.
(They cover their eyes. Uriel too.)
GEORGE
You are all still peeking. Like turn around or
something.
(Viola and Herman turn their heads)
HERMAN
Is this better?
GEORGE
No. You are all still watching. It’s a surprise.
This doesn’t go on until I am positive that no one can see it.
(George waits as the angels and the house members all turn
around. He then looks out into the audience and waits. After a while a slide is
projected that reads: “Please turn around or cover your eyes.” After a while if
not everyone complies another slide says “Please for the sake of the show, cover
your eyes”. After George is confident that no one is looking he pulls out: Mrs.
Bennett’s decaying body from the hallway. George has removed the pipe and now
uses the pipe hole to control her like a ventriloquist doll. [Now for this the
voice of the doll may be Georges OR the actress playing Mrs. Bennett’s. If the
later option is chosen it is important that George always be smiling with teeth
visible and Mrs. Bennett cannot make any noises that require the lips to make.
Like “P’s”.])
GEORGE
Okay. You can look now.
VIOLA
Oh my god. I want to puke.
MRS. BENNETT PUPPET
Hello dear. I returned to haunt you all. Ahhh!!!
HERMAN
(Laughing)
That’s sick dude.
GEORGE
It worked out perfectly. I didn’t even need to make
her like this. The pipe did that for me. I just covered up the front side to
hide my arm. Isn’t that right, Mrs. Bennett?
MRS. BENNETT PUPPET
That’s right. No one should show their front side to
strangers.
VIOLA
I just threw up and swallowed it.
MRS. BENNETT PUPPET
OOOH! Is that dope? That’s illegal. Ahhhh!!!
(George flails her arms as he/she screams all silly like)
HERMAN
Kind of funny though.
MRS. BENNETT PUPPET
You. Are. Outta. Here! OoH! I’m dead now.
VIOLA
And so are you.
(She motions for George to stop)
MRS. BENNETT PUPPET
Why the hate young lady? Did the bomb get your
undies in a twist? Oh ha ha ha ha ha. If you are even wearing any. Ha ha ha ha.
Can never tell with a harlot like you!
VIOLA
That’s it.
(VIOLA storms up and takes Mrs. Bennett’s body from George)
MRS. BENNETT PUPPET
Oh. What are you doing? No. No. Stop. Nooooooo!
(Viola throws the body out the door and slams it.)
VIOLA
You sick son of a bitch.
GEORGE
Eww. She may be all crusty on the outside but my arm
is all gooey now.
HERMAN
Have fun washing that smell off. I think it’s safe
to say Viola won.
VIOLA
Thank you, Herman. Your turn, Buster. Please nothing
gross.
(George and Herman get up and switch places. George sits back on
the couch and puts his gooey arm on Viola’s lap)
VIOLA
Really…?
GEORGE
What?
VIOLA
Really?
GEORGE
Oh shit. Sorry. Didn’t realize.
VIOLA
Uh huh. Don’t sit near me. (Beat) I’m serious. I’ve
smelled assholes that smelled better than that arm. I would vacation on
someone’s sweaty, unkempt asshole right now if it got me away from that arm.
Please go sit over there.
GEORGE
Whatever… as you wish, your highness.
HERMAN
Okay. So—
(Herman has a small coughing fit)
HERMAN
Sorry. So I was going to do a monologue but I
decided that I would share a thought with you both. You see, I’ve been thinking
on my walks out to that intersection. About what happened.
(Metatron and Munkar suddenly seem interested)
GEORGE
That’s your talent. You had a thought. A guess. Do
the damn speech already.
VIOLA
Oh he’s going to do both if he knows what’s good for
him.
HERMAN
…Okay. So I got to thinking that if we were attacked
then where is the aide? Surely another nation, whether it is the enemy or an
ally, would send some sort of aide. If not aide then a statement saying who did
this. We live close to the capital. Surely we would have heard or seen
something by now.
GEORGE
Brilliant. It can’t be terrorists because they
didn’t leave a note saying “Fuck you
HERMAN
No hear me out. If it were terrorists then foreign
aide would have come.
VIOLA
He’s right.
(Herman coughs)
HERMAN
Unless everyone got taken out.
(Metatron sets down his reading material and moves closer. Uriel
watches him concerned)
GEORGE
So all the nuclear powers just decided to say
“Goodbye Earth, it’s been fun but you gotta blow.”?
HERMAN
I don’t think it came to that.
GEORGE
I don’t follow.
HERMAN
The Cold War.
(Herman coughs again. This time with a little blood in his
saliva)
VIOLA
Christ, Herman.
HERMAN
I’m alright. Think about it. Automated
counter-strike. Only something went wrong. If something could confuse say, a
doomsday device or two then it could surely affect the missiles themselves.
GEORGE
Enough of them and you could literally burn the sky.
(Metatron reaches out and holds his hand towards Herman)
HERMAN
I… think… something or someone’s did it.
(Herman drops and begins coughing violently)
VIOLA
Oh god. Herman!
(Viola holds him up)
VIOLA
He’s on fire.
GEORGE
I’ll get him some water.
(Herman continues to get worse as Metatron focuses more on
Herman in a very Vader-ish manner)
URIEL
Stop. You’re killing him.
MUNKAR
He’s become expendable.
VIOLA
Oh god.
URIEL
What makes him expendable? Is procreation the only
thing important to you now?
METATRON
He has gotten too close.
URIEL
We should reward intelligence. Not punish it!
(Metatron ignores her plea. George returns with the water.
Herman’s coughing worsens)
VIOLA
You need to drink this Herman.
(Herman makes as he is about to vomit)
GEORGE
Radiation poisoning?
VIOLA
I don’t know. Fuck I wasn’t paying attention to him.
He said all the symptoms like a thousand times, why didn’t I listen?
HERMAN
No…
GEORGE
Tell us how to make you feel better.
URIEL
Sir!
MUNKAR
Him discovering the truth and therefore discovering
our involvement invalidates the test. Our involvement has to been kept a secret
until all trials are complete or they meet with failure. He has served his
purpose.
URIEL
I can’t allow this. Gabriel would never approve.
MUNKAR
Gabriel is just the messenger. You are the only one
who can do anything and you don’t have your cloak. What now?
URIEL
Watch me.
(Uriel pulls out Mrs. Bennett’s radio to the surprise of the
others)
MUNKAR
Someone did some snooping.
URIEL
SOMEONE… finally read the dossier.
(Talking into the radio)
Hello? Are you there? I saw you a few miles from
here and followed your tracks. Hello? Anyone there?
(George grabs the radio.)
GEORGE
Yes. Yes. We’re here.
VIOLA
Hold on Herman.
URIEL
Where are you? I have some supplies. Mainly soups
and medicines. Would be willing to trade for a warm bed.
GEORGE
Where are you?
URIEL
I’m at the corner of Silver and
GEORGE
You’re two blocks away. We’re on the third floor of
an apartment complex.
URIEL
I’ll need some help carrying in the supplies. Please
hurry. It’s getting dark out here. I hear something in the distance.
VIOLA
Let’s get him up on the couch.
GEORGE
Right.
(They lift Herman, who is still getting worse, onto the couch)
GEORGE
Let’s do this and hurry back here.
VIOLA
Okay. Give me a gun.
GEORGE
I love you.
VIOLA
I know, unfortunately. Now give me a gun. This seems
fishy.
(George pulls out Alice the shotgun and hands Selene, the
handgun, to Viola.)
VIOLA
We’ll be back in a flash babe. I hope she has
something to help you.
(The two run out. As soon as they do Uriel climbs down into the
closet and enters through the door. She rushes over to her cloak, which is
bundled up on the floor and throws it loosely over herself. She gets between
Metatron and Herman. Blocking whatever he is doing to Herman)
METATRON
Move. This is all within test parameters. The
overseers would like to not see the trials fail.
URIEL
He may know a small part of the picture but he will
never figure it all out.
MUNKAR
We can’t risk that.
URIEL
Their people have changed. When stuff like this
happens they no long point the finger at us first. They think scientifically.
The chances of them putting it together are the same as them truly
understanding the big bang. They’ve suffered enough at our hands. Let their
deaths come by their own means. I beg of you.
METATRON
Gone soft on us, eh? What ever happened to that
young spitfire who used to believe that through death by holy reckoning comes
new life? The boss will hear about this.
URIEL
Good. Unlike you, he’s lived down here before. I
think he’d understand. I ask for a stay of action.
MUNKAR
I have to agree with her. The boy is weakened.
Currently, he is harmless. We shall make an inquiry of the higher ups. His fate
should rest in their hands. If he does indeed get too close we can act and make
it seem natural.
METATRON
Very well.
(Metatron and Munkar retreat. Uriel goes over and rests her
hands on Herman. He seems to recover slightly. She places her hand on his
forehead and seems to pray. She smiles and kisses his forehead)
URIEL
You can make it.
MUNKAR
Now that you’re done, what about the others? They’re
going to have to know who the person on the other end of the radio was.
URIEL
I already have it covered. This was my job. I am
Uriel. My divine fire creates life and watches over it even in the darkest of
hours.
(Uriel removes her cloak, bundles it up and places it under
Herman’s head.)
URIEL
Believe.
(Uriel exits. As soon as she is gone George and Viola enter)
GEORGE
Waste of time.
VIOLA
Hermy, still surviving?
HERMAN
…I feel a little better. Must’ve caught the flu.
GEORGE
More like pneumonia.
VIOLA
Just rest. We’ll take care of you.
HERMAN
Did both of you leave?
VIOLA
Yeah. Don’t you remember?
HERMAN
Sorry I was out of it. Probably hearing things.
VIOLA
We’ll be right here if you need anything.
HERMAN
…Babe…
VIOLA
What is it hun?
HERMAN
(Quoting The Tempest)
Hear my soul speak:
The very instant that I saw you, did
My heart fly to your service.
I had something… just didn’t have the courage til
now.
(Viola smiles and rubs his forehead. There is a slight scraping
at the door)
GEORGE
The door!
HERMAN
(Slightly delirious and mockingly)
It’s a water monster!
(Herman laughs and lays back down coughing)
GEORGE
Hello?
(George opens the door. Uriel, now dressed in modern version of
her Crusaders outfit and without wings, falls to the ground exhausted. A bag of
canned food scatters on the floor.)
GEORGE
She’s passed out. And damn! She’s really cute.
VIOLA
Let’s get her to Herman’s bed. We can probably fix
up Mrs. Bennett’s place for her when she wakes.
GEORGE
All in all tonight’s been a bit of a bummer.
(While carrying Uriel across the apartment)
VIOLA
Could be worse. Could be raining.
(The sound of freezing rain. Both sigh. As they make their way
to the door they stop and look at the cat in the corner)
GEORGE
Oh look. Major Tom finally died.
VIOLA
Things are looking up.
MAJOR TOM
Merrroowwww…
GEORGE
You had to say something…
VIOLA
I—had to say something? I am tired of feeding that
god damn cat.
(The two adlib a bicker as they carry Uriel through the door.
Lights shift to Munkar and Metatron)
MUNKAR
Trial six, entertainment.
METATRON
I thought it was entertaining.
MUNKAR
Nice change of pace. More tension.
METATRON
Trial six complete. But now they face the most
enjoyable yet equally stressful trial of them all.
MUNKAR
A child… Do you think that Uriel will…?
(Metatron looks to Munkar. Munkar implies intercourse with his
hands. Metatron hesitates before quickly threatening to backhand him)
METATRON
Schmuck. But probably. Everyone always does…
everyone but me...
(Lights slowly fade on sad Metatron)
Scene 4
(First slide: 6 weeks after)
(Second Slide: Trial 7: Of all the uteruses, of all the women,
in all the world, you came into mine)
(Lights rise on the apartment. Herman, still on the couch
continues to sleep deeply. Uriel, upstairs and in some hand me down clothing,
sits in boredom)
METATRON
The day draws near. The end is nigh.
MUNKAR
It has been two weeks. Are you done with your little
charade yet?
URIEL
Most fun I’ve had in Millennia… Although, I’m still
bummed that the talent show was such a letdown. Amateurs. They had no
showmanship whatsoever. I have been to Inquisition prisons with more pizzazz. How
about we jazz it up a little?
METATRON
We are here to remain neutral. You have done enough
already.
URIEL
They have already completed that trial. I only
suggest it for our mental well being.
MUNKAR
What do you suggest?
URIEL
We pull a CBS.
MUNKAR
A CBS?
URIEL
Yeah.
MUNKAR
I don’t follow.
URIEL
Help me and you will.
MUNKAR
Sir?
METATRON
It’s alright. What she is thinking is only cosmetic,
the humans won’t see it the way we see it so it won’t affect the test. Plus it
might be a nice change of pace, things have gotten dreadfully dull of late. And
who can argue with
URIEL
Yes!
(The three angels pray briefly and quickly the lights shift to a
very bland sit-com like look.)
MUNKAR
So… the lighting changed.
URIEL
Too bad your face didn’t.
(Laugh track laughter)
MUNKAR
Really? A laugh track?
URIEL
And more!
(George enters but he enters upstairs. He is in a tank top and
boxers. “Oooohs!” come through the laugh track. Maybe even an additional “You
go girl!” Munkar turns away in disgust and jealousy.)
GEORGE
Who you talking to?
URIEL
To people who aren’t there… anymore, I guess. Things
you meant to say but didn’t before…
GEORGE
And is it helping?
URIEL
Nope. Not one bit. I can still see them when I look
their way. Like they are always watching me. I bet they could tell legends of
what we accomplished last night.
(She kisses him deeply and he runs his hand down her back
towards her butt. Another “Ooooh” from the laugh track)
GEORGE
(Being very silly)
I’ll be back. If you need me don’t hesitate to scream
my name again.
(Slight laughter as George exits)
MUNKAR
Fornicating with a human… disgusting.
METATRON
Her cover can’t be blown.
MUNKAR
But apparently George can be?
(Laughter)
URIEL
Told you. Most fun I’ve had in a looonnngg time.
(Oooohs as Uriels hand motions pull apart to indicate size.
George enters the downstairs apartment. A silly Seinfeld-esc into plays
indicating the scene change. Applause as he enters)
GEORGE
Oh. What an angel.
(Laughter. George comes and sits by Herman and shakes him but
Herman is out cold.)
GEORGE
Herman. HERMAN. You’re getting worse. Don’t die on me. You hear me. You die on me
and I swear to God we will eat you.
(Laughter)
GEORGE
Viola, you up?
…Viola?
(George opens a door and hears Viola vomiting.)
GEORGE
I told you to lay off the sauce. I’ll grab water.
Best not let the Porcelain God rob you of your last bit of dignity.
(Laughter. George shakes his head grabs a bottle of water.)
GEORGE
Ah. Pure non-fluoridated water. God… I sound like
Herman.
(Laughter. Viola enters)
VIOLA
I hate this.
GEORGE
Gotta be used to it by now. Eating nothing but beans
and preservatives are bound to take their toll.
VIOLA
There is no getting used to this.
GEORGE
It’s just vomiting. How bad can it get?
VIOLA
I’m pregnant.
(Ooooohs. George reacts in a very physically comedic way.
Laughter.)
GEORGE
Are you sure?!
VIOLA
I’m a woman. I know. Well that and the weeks of
random nausea and the desire to run into nature and kill an animal with my
teeth.
(Laughter)
GEORGE
Give me a minute will ya?
VIOLA
Sure.
(Viola goes back in the bedroom. George, breathing hard, goes to
belt out “Fuccckkkkk!” but it is bleeped out. George exits and slams the door
which wakes Herman.)
HERMAN
George? That you? …It’s cold in here.
(Herman takes Uriel’s robe, which until this point has been used
as a pillow and covers himself in it. Thus rendering him invisible. All three
angels turn to him at the same time.)
MUNKAR and METATRON
Oh sh—
METATRON
The Robe!
URIEL
Wild card!
(Laughter. The lights suddenly cut to black and a random
commercial is projected onto the screen.)
______________________________________________________________________
Commercial Break #1
Scratchr
FEMALE OWNER
I
had tried all the dating sites, each promising me my purfect match and each
only ending in disappointment (and a lengthy divorce after a microscopically
short marriage that destroyed my relationship with half my family and social
circle). Needless to say, I had made a lot of poor decisions in my life based
on the bad advice I had been given from algorithms that didn't truly know the
real me. So I retreated to the couch. Ate nothing but junk food and pet my 5
cats all day. Everyday. For months. Then it dawned on me: No one really knew me
like my cats did. That's why I started a new dating app called Scratchr.
It's
like Tinder but we only allow pictures of you with your cat. Here you can meet
other cat owners. Arrange cat play dates and find true love in the process.
It’s simple. All you have to do is create a screen name and answer 150 easy
questions to help us narrow down your purfect match.
MALE CUSTOMER
The
questions were super simple and fun. They were like "Where would you take
your cat if you could travel the world?" "Do you prefer long or short
hair on a cat or woman?" "What time of day do you usually
shower?" “Do you cheat on your cat with any dogs?” "How much is in
your bank account?" Easy and confidential!
FEMALE OWNER
You
can find our app wherever apps are found. Or visit our website and donate to
our many cat charities. Pet our digital kitty and learn where cat attire can be
found. So please join our community, swipe right on the only thing that will
truly understand you so that you don't die desperate and alone. And well maybe
find that special someone who won't abandon you and your 14 cats in the
process.
MALE CUSTOMER
14?
I thought you said 5—
FEMALE OWNER
(Suddenly vicious) DON’T JUDGE ME!!!! (Sudden return to professional) That's
Scratchr, available today.
RECSTOPA
(Wreck-stop-a)
MAN 1
With my explosive hyperactive flatulence, or EHF, I felt I
couldn’t be near my family. The tears in their eyes when they sat near me said
it all. Something had to change. So I asked my Doctor about RECSTOPA. After
only 8 eventful weeks with Recstopa… I left those fears behind.
WOMAN 1
Every day when I looked at my furniture, I was painfully reminded
of my Explosive Hyperactive Flatulence. But in only 8 excruciating weeks with
Recstopa…I was cured. My flatulence once loud as a tuba playing John Phillips
Sousa, was simply gone.
MAN 2
Even times I was out with friends I mortified about my EHF. What if
this time was not just gas? Could I ever redeem myself if it wasn't? Why do
they all leave? But in only 8 secluded weeks with Recstopa... A miracle. An
angel of mercy descended from above me and I was cured. Now I know. It's never
just gas anymore.
NARRATOR
The only 8 week cure for EHF is here and is only for those not
previously treated for their EHF, who abstain from sex, recreational drugs, and
alcohol, and have no history of dietary limitations or post-prandial upper
abdominal distension.
Recstopa is currently the only 8-week
cure for Explosive Hyperactive Flatulence.
(Read at x1.5 speed)
If you have ever had herpes it may flare up and cause serious
renal problems. Some of which may be life threatening. Your Doctor will test
for this.
Tell your doctor if you've been near any healing crystals, reiki
masters, and all medicinal essential oils.
Don’t take Recstopa with any over the counter pain medicines or
digestion aids, or if you’ve had depressed thoughts or ED. Common side effects
include headache and crazed depression, peripheral blindness, swelling of
hemorrhoids new and old, drying of the
bone marrow, shriveling of the tear ducts, and in some rare cases spontaneous
combustion of legs and abdomen.
(Return to normal speed)
MAN 1
With EHF blowing in the wind behind me, I feel free to not sign the
papers wife served me and return home…
NARRATOR
Please call us at 1-555-327-8668 or visit us at RECSTOPA.com
WOMAN 1
…This horn is no longer playing first chair …
MAN 2
…I can enjoy time with my friends again because I am cured. Today I cease to be known as the
"trolling motor."
NARRATOR
Curious about cost? Visit RECSTOPA.com
for frequently asked questions. You could pay as little as $0. Talk to your
doctor about RECSTOPA, today. Don't be the butt of the joke anymore, with
Recstopa!
Hackett's Auto
Repair
(A
car screeches to a stop and the sounds of Beth getting in car)
BETH
Thanks
for the ride, Cindy. I really need to get me car worked on but it is so
EXPENSIVE!
CINDY
Take
it to Hackett's.
BETH
Hackett's,
are they good?
CINDY
My
husband told me my brake lines were shot and leaking. So I took it to Hacketts.
Turns out my power steering fluid was low. They topped me off for 10 bucks and
10 minutes later I was back on the road.
BETH
Wow!
10 bucks! Wait... was it this car?
CINDY
Yup.
Picked it up this morning..
BETH
Heh
heh... How about we slow down there champ... If you can. Whoa. Slow. Slow!
Brake! CINDY! (Screech) Dear God!
(Cut
to:)
ANNOUNCER
Dear
God these prices are so amazing at Hackett's Auto Repair! We're at the corner
of
______________________________________________________________________
Scene 4 (cont’d)
(And now back
to our play already in progress. The silly bass line plays again as Viola and
George both enter the apartment. Herman appears to be half asleep)
GEORGE
Where’s Herman?
VIOLA
I don’t know. But he’s not here.
GEORGE
Good.
VIOLA
George…
GEORGE
Are you sure it’s mine?
VIOLA
Who else could it be?
GEORGE
Well if you were willing to sleep with me then,
anybody?
(Ohhhhs! Herman appears to be listening while going in and out
of consciousness)
VIOLA
Well you were the one who asked if a condom is a
type of bird!
(Laughter)
GEORGE
I said no such thing.
VIOLA
Then Old faithful couldn’t even wait for my answer.
(Laughter)
GEORGE
So what do you want me to do about it? It’s not like
there’s a planned parenthood next door.
(Herman is now listening although he is weak and doesn’t want to
move)
VIOLA
I don’t know. Help me take care of it. With Herman
ill, I don’t know where to turn to.
GEORGE
Maybe if you hadn’t cheated on him.
VIOLA
Says his best friend… who, funny enough, is
fathering his girl friends baby!
(Oooohs)
GEORGE
Keep it down. Yuri might
hear you.
VIOLA
Yuri? You doing the “horizontal bop” with her too?
GEORGE
That’s personal. But yes, I am. Like 3 times a
night. Can you blame her?
VIOLA
I guess not… You have the whole last package of meat
at the meat counter thing going for you. The only better solution is abstinence
but screw it, world ended. You are literally the last slab of meat available.
(Ooooohs)
GEORGE
Slab. I like that. So being a “slab”, naturally I’m
bigger?
VIOLA
Staying away from that one.
(Laughter)
GEORGE
I am. Aren’t I? And you have to answer. Him and I
have years of wagers riding on this. So much that even a declining to answer
means I am the victor.
VIOLA
Nope.
GEORGE
Nope as in I’m not or you aren’t talking?
VIOLA
Nope.
(Laughter)
GEORGE
Come on! Give me something. I already know I am. I
know I am. I just want to hear it. I need validation. Come on Vi. Please. I ate
SPAM for you. I’ve sacrificed too much to be left hanging like this. I mean… I
have brutally massacred mutant after mutant to keep you safe and will have to
pull double duty with you unfit to take watch. You owe me for that at least.
VIOLA
... Fine. It’s true.
GEORGE
I did it!!!
VIOLA
Well now you can do your Euro-trash girlfriend.
Cause I. Am. Done with your ass and have been since that night. Congrats. To
me, you were one of many. But to a girl like that… you might as well be named
Oscar Meyer, take a number and wait in the hall.
(Laughter)
GEORGE
Hey! You got her wrong. She is a stand up kind of
lady. I’d take her to meet my mother if I could. She’s always singing the Lords
praises... Maybe the three of us should pray together.
VIOLA
Just because I am even slightly jealous doesn’t mean
I want to ride the “Denzel” again. I owe it to Herman.
GEORGE
Well there is always room for one more on our love
train.
VIOLA
Could you say that any more disgustingly?
GEORGE
Ummm… Yeah.
(George whispers into Viola’s ear. She instantly slaps him with
the force of a frying pan. Laughter)
GEORGE
In all seriousness, what are we going to tell
Herman?
VIOLA
I don’t know. We could say I was drugged and my
dealer did it.
GEORGE
Yeah. That’s good. You mentioned that before.
VIOLA
I mean, that happened a year ago but Herman doesn’t
know that.
GEORGE
No. It’s good. And he’ll sympathize.
VIOLA
I hate to lie to him. I just don’t want you two
killing each other.
GEORGE
Only if he recovers. Hate to put it on him now.
VIOLA
Alright. You’re right.
GEORGE
You sure you don’t want another go?
VIOLA
Not until I absolutely have to or I’m dead. If that
happens: Go to town.
(Laughter)
GEORGE
What is that?
VIOLA
What is what?
GEORGE
Coulda swore I hear laughter.
VIOLA
It’s the souls of all our friends and loved ones
laughing at the irony that even at the end of days; the same soap operatic,
sit-com-y hogwash goes down. And if it continues J.R. is going to get shot.
(Laughter. George hears it. Looks curiously up and above the
audience.)
GEORGE
Yeah must be. I hated J.R. in the remake.
(George grabs
VIOLA
Aggghh. This cannot get any worse.
(Herman sits up. Viola see’s him. She startles. He is improved
but still visibly sick)
VIOLA
Herman? When did you?
HERMAN
I heard everything.
VIOLA
I… never wanted to hurt you.
HERMAN
I know… you didn’t. Its not like we were exclusive
at the time.
VIOLA
I was really really messed up.
HERMAN
Did you drink with him?
VIOLA
I came over after the clubs and honestly wanted to
find you home. But it was just George. He had this fruity punch drink he was
drinking.
HERMAN
Fruit punch and Everclear. That’s his “I wanna
regret tonight” drink of choice. 180 proof of reasons not to drink that shit.
VIOLA
We drank a few cups… Then I kissed him, he kissed
me. I don’t know how it happened.
HERMAN
You were cross-faded and he was trashed. To a
hypersexual like him, stars were colliding. He has never had it in him to know
better.
(Gasps)
VIOLA
How do you mean?
HERMAN
You think you are the first of my lady friends to
fall into his lap. All of them in fact. But always after we split up.
VIOLA
For what? What kind of tragic event could trigger
that kind of behavior?
HERMAN
I was elected class President in 7th
grade and he had to settle for treasurer…
(Laughter)
No seriously. That’s what started the snowball.
Everything turned into a contest after that.
VIOLA
So why your girlfriends?
HERMAN
Why do ball players’ juice up? Anything to get ahead
or prove he’s my equal, I guess. It’s sad but you have to admit that everything
about him, even his sense of humor, pushes women away.
VIOLA
Not everything.
HERMAN
I was really hoping that I was dreaming that part of
the conversation. Is he…?
VIOLA
Sorry.
HERMAN
Well I owe him like 200 bucks.
(Laughter. Maybe even slightly misplaced or forced)
VIOLA
So all of this to get back at you for something you
did… that wasn’t even your fault?
HERMAN
Sounds about right. It’s small man syndrome. Why do
you think he polishes his guns and his knob with the same intensity?
VIOLA
Magic fingers... And you are best friends?
(Laughter)
HERMAN
“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
VIOLA
Who actually said that?
HERMAN
I don’t know. It’s a cliché.
(Laughter. A slide: “It was probably Machiavelli” followed by
“…An epic douche”. A second slide: “Or Sun Tzu. Who the heck knows?)
VIOLA
So what are you going to do?
HERMAN
Not what I am going to do. Right, Beth?
(Herman squats down and looks at Beth. He doesn’t touch it)
VIOLA
So when did you suddenly get better?
(Laughter. Blackout. Commercial Break #2. Lights stay up on the
angels)
Commercial Break #2
It’s Family
that Binds Us
JAMIE
Hi.
Jamie Hiller here. You may remember me from my memorable appearance on
Nickelodeons “Guts” in 1995 where I conquered the “Aggro Crag” and Washington
County Community Theatre’s performance of Les Miserable’s where I played a
gentle, passionate man looking for a companion of the night. You know,
companionship is difficult these days. Too soon are our loved ones ripped from
our arms, too hastily are they buried deep and wiped clean of this Earth. But
not anymore! Here at “It’s Family that Binds Us” we specialize in keeping just
a part of our loved ones close at hand in the form of glue. Yes, glue. Now you
can scrapbook pictures of Nana and always know Nana is still there with you.
See we craftily and respectfully remove just a part of your loved one, the
parts not seen in a casket, and use the collagen to make specialized glue, just
for you. We use time tested techniques mastered over centuries to ensure that
no part of your loved one goes to waste. Ask about our specials. Was your loved
one an avid sport fan? Get specialized glitter logos added to your glue to add
a little pizzazz to those crafting projects. Use them to fix those broken down
hand-me-downs they gifted you at the Holidays.
Paw Paws old picture frame will always stayed glued together thanks to
Paw Paw. For it is Family that binds us, literally. And we have every bottle
blessed by a holy person of your choice to prevent possession and hauntings. So
visit us online at www.nanashins.com
Dump-a-Load
Waste Management
WOMAN 1
We
know we’re not pretty. We’re a dump.
MAN 1
We’re
not really the highlight of your day.
WOMAN 2
But
we’re changing. Listening. Opening up to your needs.
MAN 2
And
we’re really trying to keep the smell down.
WOMAN 1
We
want you to slide in and out effortlessly, time and time again at Dump-a-Load
Waste Management. Here we take our loads seriously.
MAN 1
At
Dump-a-Load we are re-using old quarries. Helping fill the scars we put into
the earth, with your junk. It’s a mighty big undertaking.
WOMAN 2
We
have some big holes we need to fill too. So come dump a load with us.
MAN 2
Please
come dump a load with us.
WOMAN 1
We
can take it all. No load is too large. So come dump a load and do your part to
keep the filth off the streets.
MAN 1
And
put it where it really goes, in our holes.
WOMAN 2
Our
chasmous holes. Out of sight, out of mind.
MAN 2
And
we’ll make sure to really mash it in there. We always got to make room for
more.
WOMAN 1
It’s
a party at Dump-a-Load. You use us because you have to. But we want you to
enjoy your visit. We’re your outlet.
MAN 1
And
don’t feel bad when you’re going hard at it and something breaks. That’s what
dumping a load is all about.
WOMAN 2
So
come dump a load with me. Go home feeling confident, relaxed, and needing a
shower right away.
MAN 2
Become
a new person at Dump-a-Load. We keep your affairs a secret.
WOMAN 1
By
burying them with everyone’s garbage.
MAN 1
So
please visit us at
WOMAN 1 & 2
Come
dump a load with us!
MAN 1 & 2
And
with us.
MAN 2
Because we’re a dump. That’s why.
Stagtosterone
SPOKESPERSON
Men,
are you done with always feeling tired, hopeless, and otherwise useless to
society? Do you want to spice up your love life and have the real fun you've
been craving? Are you tired of so-called "Professionals" claiming
you're depressed and forcing you to take pills that you don't understand or can
even pronounce those synthetic chemicals inside them? Well throw away those
nasty pills and instead try: STAGTOSTERONE,
DOCTOR
Stagtosterone
is a pill... that a person could swallow.
SPOKESPERSON
So
talk to your Nurse Practitioner about STAGTOSTERONE, today! Also available as a
suppository. Order now and we will double the shipment. Just pay express
international overnight shipping. Visit stagparty.cum or call 1-555-782-4286
______________________________________________________________________
Class
action lawsuit AGAINST Stagtosterone
LAWYER
Hello.
Have you or a loved one been seriously affected or disabled by fake Low-T cures
involving deer semen? If so call the law offices of Howard, Fine, and Howard
without delay. Some side effects are, but are not limited to: Extreme
aggression, kicking of adversaries or loved ones, erections lasting over 10
hours, bloody stool and vomit, loud snorting, incessant desires to rub your
head on trees, cardiac arrest, severe colon cancers, explosive appendicitis,
and sudden onset hemophilia. If you have taken a supplement like Stagtosterone
or its Canadian counterpart, MooseJuice, you may be qualified for a significant
cash settlement. Call our hotline at : 1-555-555-5552. That's all fives and a
typo. Or visit our website: www.stoogelawyers.com. And as a reminder, please
see a proper Doctor for Low-T treatments, animal secretions are almost never
the answer.
______________________________________________________________________
Scene 4
(cont’d… again)
(We return to
our play currently in progress. More somber entrance music is played)
MUNKAR
You see what you caused?!
URIEL
What are you droning on about?
MUNKAR
That is why the practice of the wildcard was
abandoned. Too many times it mucked things up!
URIEL
So? Chances are he heard that conversation even
without my cloak.
METATRON
She is right. That conversation is a fixed point, we
estimated he would find out in this or a similar way at a 80% chance. We are
back on schedule… albeit in a unique manor.
MUNKAR
How do you mean?
METATRON
Trial 8. Survival.
URIEL
A choice.
MUNKAR
Die quickly or live a life in never ending pain.
METATRON
The fate of all rest in that mans hands.
GABRIEL (Unseen)
WRONG! Cancel the CBS.
METATRON
Who’s there?
(A well dressed angel steps out into some light. It is Gabriel.
He/she is dressed in a fine slim suit and tie, fedora, and golden wings. He/she
also smokes clove cigarettes. There is no doubt in anyone’s minds that Gabriel
is the true target for Uriel’s love and attention)
GABRIEL
It is the decision of the overseers.
MUNKAR
Gabriel?
URIEL
You came.
METATRON
And why are we blessed by your presence today?
GABRIEL
I have been sent by the boss to oversee the final
trial.
METATRON
That’s absurd. I have seniority.
GABRIEL
These aren’t my orders. Relax old timer. You will
remain in control until I decide to execute my jurisdiction.
METATRON
And what is your assignment?
GABRIEL
That at any time I can enforce the opinion of the
overseers. Whether the trial or whole operation is complete or not.
METATRON
I understand.
(Metatron and Gabriel pull close and talk quietly between
themselves)
URIEL
I missed you Gabriel.
MUNKAR
Forgot about George that quickly huh?
URIEL
Who? Oh him. Who cares? Gabriel’s here. Just look at
the girth of those wings.
MUNKAR
You know they can hear you.
URIEL
I know…
METATRON
Enough of this drivel. Let the beginning of the end,
begin.
GABRIEL
Well said. May I? Before we begin. Uriel, put on
your cloak. This game has gone long enough.
(Gabriel walks onto the stage which lights up. Grabs her cloak
and throws it at her.)
GABRIEL
When will you stop taking so many chances?
URIEL
I love you.
GABRIEL
We know. You tell me every time you see me but this
obsession has to end. It was only a single night.
URIEL
Our nights last decades. I have the place up here to
myself. Wanna come blow your horn?
GABRIEL
I… I… we need you at the top of your game. Shape up
soldier and get out of those embarrassing clothes. You’re an angel of G.O.D.
damn it. Show some pride.
(Uriel easily rips away her hand-me-downs revealing her Crusader
attire. Salutes)
URIEL
Sir.
METATRON
Let us get this over with.
(Lights go down. A slide pops up: “INTERMISSION”)
(Second slide: You have 30 seconds to stand up and stretch. Please
do so now. The slides count down from 30 and ends.)
END OF ACT 2
(You may doodle in the space provided)
ACT 3
Scene 1
(First slide: Thank you for participating in our mandatory
exercise routine. Please be seated)
(Second slide: 6 weeks and 2 days after)
(Third slide: Trial 8: Welp. There goes
the neighborhood… again)
(Lights rise on the living room. George rests with his feet up,
drinking a bottle of water, and reads from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. He smokes as he flips through it. He is absorbing
everything he is reading and enjoying it a little too much)
GEORGE
Yes…yes! I get it now. War is more about acquiring
resources... but bloodshed sends a message. So both must be done at regular
intervals. Fascinating. What’s next? Machiavelli’s The Prince?
(Viola who enters at some point during George’s crazy time
finally makes herself known as she walks to the cupboard to grab a bottle of
water)
GEORGE
Good morning star shine. Still preggers?
VIOLA
Fuck off.
GEORGE
Whoa. Where’d the hostility come from?
VIOLA
Don’t.
GEORGE
You still going on about that?
VIOLA
I can’t drink. I can’t smoke. You have practically
taken away the only thing that kept me sane. So yeah, I kinda wanna shove your
face in the food processor and set it on maximum. Maybe I could even feed the
dying mutant animals you’ve been murdering your puréed flesh.
GEORGE
…You should be happy. Now you have a higher purpose.
VIOLA
Morning sickness and a strong desire to bludgeon you
with a hammer?
GEORGE
I was talking about the baby. You get to be a
mother! It’s the greatest gift of all.
VIOLA
Bull fucking shit. It’s the greatest gift if you
want it. Otherwise, this shit is terrible. I would totally stab a man for a ½
pound veggieburger with extra pickles, spicy mustard and avocado right now. But
I can’t because it doesn’t exist anymore. So thanks for that great fucking gift.
GEORGE
You’re wel-- come.
VIOLA
Are you impervious to sarcasm?
GEORGE
No. I just tune you out when I hear that tone in
your voice, if I’m being honest.
VIOLA
Well that explains a lot.
GEORGE
Sorry? You were saying something?
VIOLA
Maybe you’d have a relationship longer than 3 weeks
if you even pretended to actually give a damn. Your dick seems to be the only
topic that keeps your attention.
GEORGE
That’s most men, sweetheart. Even when you think
we’re listening we’re just debating how deep your throat goes.
VIOLA
Cause y’all toxic as fuck. Nearly the lot of you.
Herman tries but the rest of you, I just want to banshee scream at you until
your eardrums rupture.
GEORGE
The only thing you were screaming was for me to “Break
the damn and flood Isengard”. Quite forcibly, if I recall.
VIOLA
You fuckin’ said that! I can’t be Isengard. It’s a
tower! Dumbass. I actually thought you were having a stroke when you then bit
my collar bone and started shaking like a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Your “O” face looks
like brain trauma.
GEORGE
You remember that?
VIOLA
I do remember some of that night.
GEORGE
You do? Like, all 3 times?
VIOLA
Yes, Bill Cosby. A lot of it actually. I find your
surprise about this a little startling to be honest. This “B” can hold her
liquor.
GEORGE
You were already absolutely sloshed when your Uber
dropped you off and I was half a bottle into my no-no juice already.
VIOLA
“No-no juice?”
GEORGE
No memories, no regrets.
VIOLA
Herman thinks you got me stupid drunk and I’m
starting to agree with him. Because that name is date-rapey as fuck.
GEORGE
It’s my blackout drunk drink! I missed out on this
spring board at work and wanted to drink her out of my head. So I was drinking.
Then we were drinking! You drank what I was drinking. It’s not like I knew you
were even coming by. He wants to make all these accusations but he’s just mad I
succeeded where he’s failed for all these years.
VIOLA
Being hated by every woman left on Earth?
GEORGE
No, passing on ones genes and keeping their
bloodline alive. It’s every man’s righteous purpose. Civilization doesn’t get
this far if we didn’t.
VIOLA
You see this as a victory, don’t you? Just gotta
one-up Herman and create another of God’s little miracles. Like I don’t want to
hate you, George, but you make it damn difficult. You may have won this little
victory but every night I am in Herman’s bed, stroking Herman’s hair, waking to
his kisses down my neck. Herman loves me and that wins any war.
GEORGE
And where is good ole Herman today?
VIOLA
Probably out looking for you. He wants to kick your
ass and I don’t blame him.
GEORGE
Yeah well he should know he could find me at home.
VIOLA
You’ve been m.i.a. two days! He’s out scouring house
after house calling out your name.
GEORGE
At least someone is. I went looking for Yuri. Woke
up the other day and she was just gone. Didn’t take any of her stuff. There
were no tracks. She just simply vanished. Like she didn’t even exist in the
first place.
VIOLA
Good. Never trusted her. It always felt like she was
hiding something.
GEORGE
She did bring us medicine.
VIOLA
Conveniently what we needed and how much we needed. It’s
suspicious as hell. Plus I’m still worried that Herman might be sick with
something worse. He seems delusional when he sleeps.
GEORGE
Hell, I’d take a delusion over reality these days.
VIOLA
Last night he told me that he could see everyone’s
souls when he sleeps. Walking around like nothing had happened. Like this isn’t
reality.
GEORGE
So do I. That doesn’t make him delusional.
VIOLA
Do you think this is what Purgatory is like?
GEORGE
Don’t think like that. Purgatory was just a Catholic
lie to raise money in the renaissance. Its the OG 700 club.
VIOLA
I know. Its just last night when we were sleeping I
rolled over and noticed him staring at me. He looked me deep in the eyes and
told me that all of this was just a test and that we’re failing. It scared me.
GEORGE
He was dreaming. It’s not the first time he’s fallen
asleep with his eyes cracked.
VIOLA
No. Not cracked. Wide open. It scared me, George. He
didn’t blink. Not once. I looked away for a moment and when I looked back he
was asleep. Then the next morning he didn’t remember any of it.
GEORGE
Everyone cracks after a while. We both did. It’s
about time he did as well.
VIOLA
Don’t rush to justify it. Something feels wonky.
GEORGE
I honestly think it’s your hormones playing tricks
with you. He’s just feeling restless and you’re reading too much into it.
VIOLA
Oh fuck you.
GEORGE
Well you can through the third trimester. Hear it
actually helps encourage labor.
VIOLA
Really? Is that where your brain always returns to?
Sex? Sex! Sex!! SEX!!! Ugh! Just once could you just shut your god blessed
mouth and rub my damn feet?
(The loud burst of a shotgun blast)
HERMAN
(Off in the distance)
George! GEORGE!
(Another shotgun blast)
HERMAN
(Closer but still offstage)
GEORGE!!!
VIOLA
Well. Probably best to keep things chill. No running
off.
GEORGE
I’m done running anyway.
(Two more gunshots. The sound of mutants dying)
HERMAN
GEEOOORRRGGGEEE!
(Herman vigorously slams the door open. He is all bloodied up
with mutant blood. He wears a torn up white shirt and is wearing mismatched
shoes. He comes across as very John McClane-esc)
HERMAN
George!
GEORGE
Christ Herman. You look like you’re from a Nick Cage
movie.
VIOLA
We should get you cleaned up.
HERMAN
We need to talk.
GEORGE
Alright. Just put the 12 gauge down.
HERMAN
No. I won’t. And do you know why?
GEORGE
It feels good in your hands? Like it has always
belonged in them.
HERMAN
Yessssss. My God… I wasn’t expecting that. But holy
shit is this thing smooth. My shoulder doesn’t even hurt. That aside, we all
need to talk. Honest come to Jesus moment.
GEORGE
Fine.
VIOLA
I’ll give you some time alone.
HERMAN
No. Please. You’re in on this as well.
VIOLA
Then put the down the shotgun. I don’t want to feel
captive to the conversation.
GEORGE
Her name is
VIOLA
Sorry, can we please put down
HERMAN
Fair enough. It’s out of ammo anyway.
(Puts down
VIOLA
Thank you.
GEORGE
Will you sit?
HERMAN
I’d rather not.
GEORGE
Then spill it.
HERMAN
I’ve been doing some serious thinking the last few
weeks.
GEORGE
What else is there to do?
HERMAN
Do you always have to interject like that? I’m
trying to come to a point here, damn it.
(George crosses his arms)
HERMAN
First off, I don’t give two shits about what has
happened between you two.
VIOLA
Herm—
HERMAN
Please. I
wasn’t in the right headspace when I found out about you two. I’m still mad and
you’re still an asshole, George. That doesn’t change the fact that we all need
each other right now. We don’t have time for fighting amongst ourselves. You’re
my best friends. If you two want to have your fun, I won’t stop you.
VIOLA
But I don’t.
HERMAN
That’s great. Cause there is no sugar-coating it
anymore. Winter is coming soon and we’re stronger together than we are apart.
What do you say George?
GEORGE
So what? Is this the part where I am expected to
apologize that your girlfriend came onto me?
HERMAN
The problem isn’t that she came onto you. It’s that
you didn’t come somewhere else. You do that, we’re not having this conversation
right now. But no, you just had to plant your stake in this affair.
GEORGE
You weren’t exclusive!
HERMAN
Common bro-code is to not sleep with your best friend’s
lady friend. Exclusive or not!
GEORGE
And bro-code also says you shouldn’t hunt your
friends with a shotgun! You settle it man to man. With fists!
HERMAN
Typical George deflection. The shotgun was for the
mutants. I just wanted to talk.
GEORGE
FUNNY WAY TO SHOW IT! I saw you screaming my name
firing into buildings.
HERMAN
At mutants!
GEORGE
Oh yeah, what was your headcount?
HERMAN
27.
GEORGE
Respectable. But no, I am not going to apologize
because I did nothing wrong. Sure I may have taken her to
VIOLA
HERMAN
Best if you don’t know. It’s okay. It is. Really. I
see what the issue truly is.
(Herman looks George in the eyes, smiles, then grabs his face
and plants a big smooching kiss on his lips. Viola laughs as George struggles
and pushes Herman away)
GEORGE
What the hell?! Fucking fruit-
HERMAN
Don’t deny you liked it. Is that why you sabotage
all my relationships? You just want a big ole slice of Herman in you. I’m the
common denominator. How else am I supposed to read it? Obviously you’re obsessed
with me. Well here I am George. Viola won’t care.
VIOLA
Right.
HERMAN
There’s nothing to be ashamed of anymore. It’s a new
world. We can live any way we want. You said so yourself.
GEORGE
I don’t care. You are not putting any part of you in
me.
HERMAN
So you’re a top. That’s cool.
GEORGE
DUDE. This is not funny.
VIOLA
No it’s sexy.
GEORGE
Wha--… really?
VIOLA
Oh yeah. Let’s be honest, I’m more of a slash
fiction fan but you dudes love lesbian porn, right? Do you think I only watch
straight porn when we could just call you up for the real thing? What better
than two good looking dudes going at it? Lots of women love a good sword fight
whether they want to admit it or not.
HERMAN
It’s true. It’s also our best shot at living
peacefully under one roof.
GEORGE
Answer is still no.
HERMAN
It’s okay George.
GEORGE
No it’s not. You come in here all John McClane like
but then you pull this Chasing Amy bullshit on me? I’m so confused and angry
and confused and more angry and I don’t know what to think.
HERMAN
What’s there to be confused about? It’s simple. The
man takes his penis--
GEORGE
Will you give it a fucking rest! I am not going to
fuck you or let you fuck me. The only person I have any interest in is Viola
and I’m sure that bridge has dried up.
VIOLA
… Thanks?
GEORGE
What’s more is that I have no goddamn clue how you
even got this idiotic idea in that perfectly shaped head of yours. I. Am. Not.
Gay!
VIOLA
Heteroflexible maybe? But he has a point Herm. Neither
of us could walk right for a week. Just being honest.
HERMAN
I really didn’t need to know that. That still
doesn’t answer why you willingly sabotage all of my relationships?
GEORGE
Oh I don’t know maybe because I am tired of you
always being better than me. Herman’s the starting wide receiver. Herman gets
all the pretty girls. Herman gets into the fancy private college. Herman leads
us through doomsday. Maybe I wanted to show you that I could do something as
well as you.
HERMAN
Like knocking someone up? Good job. Beat me there. That
was the ONE THING that you knew you could always beat me at. The one thing! You
didn’t have to prove that at all. 100% a given.
GEORGE
You know what I mean.
VIOLA
Pretty terrible argument, dude.
HERMAN
Who else did you did you get a little cavalier with?
I’m sure you’ve always thought the risk was hot. Always willing to splurge on
the plan B. Should the need arise.
GEORGE
It doesn’t matter what I say. You wouldn’t believe
me anyway.
HERMAN
How many more of my exes? Was the final tally closer
than I realize?
GEORGE
No. You know about the rest. They were rebounds. I’m
the Dennis Rodman to your Scotty Pippen.
HERMAN
I’m not MJ?
GEORGE
Be grateful I gave you Pippen.
VIOLA
What the hell are you two talking about? Speak
non-sports please.
HERMAN
It really doesn’t matter. Still! Learn to use a
rubber for Christ sakes! How could you keep jeopardizing your future? Now I’m
glad you weren’t in charge. God knows what kind of shit you’d do.
GEORGE
The real Herman has arrived; niceties in one hand, bitter
judgmental mid western passive aggressivism in the other hand.
HERMAN
I bet you didn’t wrap it with Yuri either.
GEORGE
She said she can’t get pregnant! So of course I
didn’t. She even asked me not to waste them.
HERMAN
Fucking reckless.
VIOLA
Guys… Let’s cool down. Have a drink.
HERMAN
You have no restraint. You just leap before you look
and it’s going to end poorly for you someday.
GEORGE
Yeah well at least I am living, Mr. fucking robot. Strict
schedules, exercise routines and constant hounding of people for their caloric
and water intake isn’t a way to live! You can’t comprehend how so unbearably
miserable you have gotten since high school. Always playing by everyone else’s
rules, being the good little tin man with the heart of gold. I’m grateful that
Viola has managed to pull that stick out of your ass a little but you are still
so stuck up on yourself that the flagpole you’re sitting on is the size of your
own fucking ego.
HERMAN
My ego is tiny compared to that wicked case of small
man syndrome you got going right now. Has our entire friendship just been one
big pissing contest? You just keep coming back trying to one up me, too stupid
and stubborn to realize you’ll always be runner up.
VIOLA
George, he-
GEORGE
No! That’s it. That is it! I’m done with this
bullshit. You have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted my lifestyle,
my faith, my political affiliations, you have called me queer, and you have forced
me to do this.
(George picks up Miho, his sword)
GEORGE
Let’s settle this. Right now.
HERMAN
Fine. Another thing I can be better than you at.
Where’s Beth?
VIOLA
I put it away. As you should be putting away all the
weapons.
HERMAN
That’s alright. No one has used this yet.
(Herman pulls out Ramona, the war hammer, from behind the
counter. The two stand opposite each other.)
VIOLA
Whoa. Let’s not with the medieval weaponry.
GEORGE
You need to stand aside. Please.
HERMAN
It’ll be alright. I won’t kill him.
(George and Herman begin staring each other down all Leone-like.
The sound of wind goes by the window accompanied by the sound of a squeaky
window flap. Long pause.)
VIOLA
Hey, hey, hey now! Let’s not do this, guys. Please.
For my sake… For the baby. Let’s just put down our weapons and smoke a fat bowl.
HERMAN
(Without turning)
You shouldn’t smoke.
GEORGE
(Also without turning)
It’s bad for the baby.
VIOLA
See? You both care. That’s all that matters. Now
let’s all just be a family again.
GEORGE
We’re past that.
HERMAN
All I wanted was peace. Working together.
GEORGE
If we both live, maybe.
HERMAN
And if one of us dies?
GEORGE
The other protects Viola and the baby.
VIOLA
Well that’s nice and all but I want you both the way
you are. Un-maimed. Now come on. We can have a good time. Anything you want. Don’t
do this.
GEORGE
You may want to get behind something.
HERMAN
Bring it.
(The two continue to hesitate. The angels watch closely. But the
wait goes longer and longer. Lights focus on the angels.)
GABRIEL
This is it. The fight for survival.
MUNKAR
They’re taking their sweet ass time.
URIEL
They just need some motivation and...
(Uriel pulls out a small remote and presses a button. Epic music
(something along the line of O Fortuna) begins to play)
URIEL
Epic music!
MUNKAR
IT IS TIME!
METATRON
LET JUDGEMENT COME!
(Lights cut back to Herman and George who take their first big
swing at each other. The music grows more and more epic. Their swings are
slowed down for dramatic effect. Neither takes a potentially lethal swing but
they clash and push each other off repeatedly.)
VIOLA
Stop this!
(The two continue to fight)
VIOLA
This is madness!
(The two clash together and push against each other)
GEORGE
Madness?! This is--
HERMAN
Don’t fucking say IT!
GEORGE
You always ruin my fun!!!
(The two push each other across the room.)
HERMAN
Had enough yet?!
GEORGE
I just started dancing.
HERMAN
What does that even mean?
GEORGE
En garde!
(They continue taking slow swings at each other)
URIEL
Yawn. This is too New Hope.
GABRIEL
Quiet.
URIEL
No really. That Vader / Obi Wan fight is slow as
hell. Let’s go prequel trilogy on this.
(She presses another button. Yakity Sax begins to play.)
URIEL
Shi- gosh darn disc-man. Wrong tack.
(She presses the button again and again to no avail. She shrugs
and Herman and George’s fight speeds up three fold. Focus shifts back to them.
*NOTE* Please for goodness sake don’t make their weapons potentially lethal in
any way. Not comically fake but made of balsa wood or plastic. Compromising
safety isn’t worth a laugh*)
VIOLA
Ahh!
(George and Herman begin to fight quickly and chase each other
around the room. Viola, caught in the mix begins to run around to avoid them.
Finally Herman slips, falls, and loses his hammer. George goes to stab him when
everyone on stage freezes. Lights focus in on the angels, mainly Gabriel.)
GABRIEL
And now that is my cue. Time to intervene.
MUNKAR
You choose now? Right when things are getting
interesting?
METATRON
Now, now, now… This is MY operation. We will see
this through until the end.
GABRIEL
Ah yes. But it is not your decision. If George lands
that blow, Herman will most certainly die and this operation will be over. But
if he misses mankind will survive. It is time for the overseers to decide. They
have voted and now like Caesar standing before the coliseum, they decide their
fate.
URIEL
But what about us?
GABRIEL
You have served your purpose. Stand back Uriel and
be prepared to execute sentence.
URIEL
Why do you sound like you already know the results?
GABRIEL
Of course I do. I knew the result the second I
stepped in door. “The writing was on the wall” as the humans would say. This
whole Operation was doomed the minute you chose them.
URIEL
They weren’t going to kill each other. Trust us.
We’ve watched them for months now. George is just as likely to rip a big fart
right now and this whole thing ends in laughs. It’s been like this for months,
drama after drama.
GABRIEL
It sounds as if you have become emotionally
compromised. I must say that I am questioning your objectivity.
URIEL
What was the point of all of this if the whole
Operation was already decided?! Of course I am emotional. We were stationed
here to observe these humans and what purpose would it have if we didn’t
empathize with their plight? If they die, they die. But we can still feel sorry
for them.
MUNKAR
Uriel… he’s right. We must remain objective on this.
If we don’t he could invalidate the whole test.
METATRON
It was one of the conditions of the test. Mankind’s
hope for survival has always rested in the Overseer’s hands.
(Lights rise on the audience)
URIEL
Other humans?
GABRIEL
Of course. Mankind has always made its own path.
Despite all the plagues, wars, famines, and horrors we have presented them,
they have always managed to scrape by. But when they created their own means
for self destruction, they crossed into a dark place that only clear heads and
good judgment can resolve. This time is
no different. And now the results… drum roll please.
(Munkar and Uriel look at each other then finally start to roll
their tongues)
GABRIEL
When posed the question of choosing death or a life
of pain the overseers have decided 54 percent to 46 percent in favor of…
of...OF…. extinction.
URIEL
Go figure. These are the same people who don’t
believe in climate change.
MUNKAR
It is decided then.
METATRON
Come. We must get on with it.
URIEL
It doesn’t feel right.
GABRIEL
Regardless, it is G.O.D.’s will.
(Gabriel snaps his fingers and the lights drop off the audience
and focus on the stage)
HERMAN
No!
(George goes to stab but Herman grabs George’s sword arm and
reverses the blade so that it runs George through.)
GEORGE
Son of a bitch! Oww! Is it sticking out the back?
Oh. Fuck it is. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was the field manual
wasn’t it? Of course it fucking was. Whooo. Okay. So this is dying.
(George stumbles back and falls against a wall)
VIOLA
George! We need to get towels.
GEORGE
Ugh… forget it. Stick a fork in me, I’m done. It’s
not so bad once it’s in. Just feels wet.
HERMAN
…That’s what she said?
GEORGE
Heh… heh. Heh. Sorry I would laugh harder but this
is kinda not fun right now. It was good though. You finally told a funny joke…
on my death bed, floor, whatever I’m laying on right now. Kinda hard to
see.
HERMAN
Don’t say that.
GEORGE
What thee fuck else should I-? (Coughs) I wasn’t going to actually stab you… You competitive… son…
of… aaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh…… bitch. I wonder if I will
shit………………my………………oh my.
(George appears to be dead)
VIOLA
Herman… is he?
HERMAN
I’m sorry. He left me no choice.
VIOLA
I know.
HERMAN
He was totally going to stab me, right?
VIOLA
Oh yeah. Lunged eagerly with intent to penetrate.
HERMAN
Penetrate?
VIOLA
He has a face when he…
(She hugs Herman. Behind them George is still sort of alive and begins
to pull the sword out of his abdomen and stumble up)
VIOLA
Why did it come down to this…?
HERMAN
We still have each other.
VIOLA
Hey! George is moving.
HERMAN
George?
GEORGE
I WINNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
(George charge thrusts at Herman. Herman still hugging Viola
spins her away from the blade but both get run through. George falls)
GEORGE
Your hope…dies…
(George dies for real this time. Viola and Herman stare at each
other pinned together by the sword. They do not talk. Herman tries to but Viola
silences him. Herman runs his hand through her hair. He pulls her face to his
and they kiss as they fall to the ground. They die)
URIEL
What a waste…
MUNKAR
Well… It’s no different than the billions of others
that went before them.
URIEL
There is going to be so much paperwork for this one.
But then what? Earth was kind of the only life I knew.
(Munkar shrugs and there is an extremely long awkward moment as
the angels all look at each other like they are out of a job. The bodies of
George, Herman, and Viola release their bowls. This is drawn out to ridiculous
measures. Very juicy. There is a slight chuckle)
URIEL
I’m so glad that we are actually all eyes and wings
and no noses inside these vessels.
METATRON
Indeed. Now we wait for HQ to pick us all up.
They’ll put the overseers in cold storage incase they want to restart the Earth
project. Then reassignment. I’ll have performance reviews by the end of the
week.
(The Angels all nod. Gabriel lights a cigarette. The awkward
moment continues a good while until the audience plant, (remember the audience
plant?) gets up.)
PLANT
Okay... is this like over? That’s the ending? That’s
really what you went with? Worlds fucked. Now we are like what? Seeds? Breeding
stock? Fuck that. I’ll take my chances out that door in the wastelands you left
us.
(She starts to leave. Gabriel blocks her
path)
GABRIEL
Excuse me overseer. Now where do you think you are
going?
PLANT
We’re done here. Aren’t we? No point staying if you
killed everyone off. Now as fun as staring at the corpses of 4 people is, I for
one have no interest in being put into cold storage. Definitely not worth the
50 bucks you paid us to be part of this “University Study”. You know I did the
math. We’ve been here for 44 days and like 8 hours. You are only paying us
three and a half cents an hour! That’s like Nike sweatshop wages.
GABRIEL
Your reward will be much greater, I assure you. But
the trial is not finished until its results are certified by the director.
PLANT
What else can you possible test them on? Which body
craps the loudest?! Who decays first? You people... or whatever you are, are
sick. Now move out of my way. Please!
GABRIEL
Fine. By all means. Looks like I found one of the forty-six
percent.
(The plant turns back)
PLANT
Damn right I was one of them. The decision of life
or death of an entire species cannot be summed up in one messed up little
“would you rather…” question as you enter the testing room. Certainly not an
audience of what? (Insert number of
patrons in audience) people?
GABRIEL
And why not?
PLANT
Because human beings are more complicated than that.
I mean look at us. Two thirds of us are probably jerks. 10 to 20 percent got
here stoned, drunk, or on something. I was chatting with my bestie, Brooke,
about that bogus chem final and thought you were asking how you would kill
someone. Torture or bang bang. Only chose life by accident. I’m sure there are
even some dummies who didn’t even vote because they thought their vote wouldn’t
matter or that is just rigged. That’s the world we live in now. We’re complex
and contradictory as fuck. We have atheists who act more like Christ then the
bible thumpers trying to get meat, fish, and bread excluded from food stamps.
Hell the man himself gave two of those out for free. Kinda made a big deal
about it too. We kill each other in the millions in the name of peace. We like nacho
cheese Doritos when cool ranch is clearly better. We chose a night of trashy tv
over a night at the theatre. We don’t make sense and that’s why you find us
interesting. It’s also why we don’t deserve the judgement of this misled
kangaroo court. We suck. But we’re also kinda awesome. It can’t be quantified.
URIEL
It’s true Gabe. Have you seen them order coffee
lately? 7 to 10 questions. Minimum. They are growing still, have some wrinkles
to iron out, but deserve a fair shot.
GABRIEL
Doesn’t it all boil down to one question in the end?
Live or die? Take care of your planet or let it fall to destruction? I asked
them a simple question. Live or die. Not my fault if they were too stupid to
get it. Let’s not forget that the Overseer’s involvement was only incited by
our test subject’s actions. If those idiots play it cool and keep a straight
head, mankind is still alive and kicking.
MUNKAR
Gabriel. I know death. I am a ferryman of the dead.
That is my purpose. If I may, your question sucked and every audience is
different. Given the clear
MUNKAR (cont’d)
choice people would not vote for death. Not without
reward. Most are selfish with life.
PLANT
People want to live. They would just rather die then
be tortured in the fucked up way you people do things. A life of torture isn’t
life, its hell. No wonder some people chose God over that.
GABRIEL
Every one of them has had the chance to make the
world a better place and most have wasted it.
Even if they are selfish with life, they are wasteful with it. A species
too stupid to vote for the wrong option doesn’t deserve to continue.
PLANT
Give us a chance! We may not be the best species but
we’re a bunch of small surprises that add up to something greater than its
parts.
URIEL
Please! Just give them a chance.
GABRIEL
They have had enough chances! I am tired of us
bailing them out. What do we ever get from it? More data that we don’t use! The
boss grows tired of this exercise! Why do you think he hasn’t been down here the
past thousand years?! He wants to go on tour! Maybe try silicon based life
instead of these carbon based beings that have decided to destroy the gifts we
gave them. They deserve this fate!
METATRON
ENOUGH! Enough already! Gabriel your crazy is
showing and you forget your place. I am the voice of G.O.D. and I think your
message has been spoon fed enough.
PLANT
Just because a few of us are assholes doesn’t mean
the majority of us aren’t. We’re just going through a phase where logic and
reason don’t really apply. But we always pull through in the end.
METATRON
As the senior most authority I am instituting Amendment
1701 general order 22 subsection 32-B, paragraph 4, bullet point 5.
MUNKAR
Bullet point 5? No one may bring an animal with more
than 3 noses to company functions without proper masking procedures.
METATRON
FINE. General Order 21, subsection 32-B, paragraph
4, bullet point 5. There? Happy, Munkar? Ya schmuck. If improper polling
procedures are suspected, re-polling of the overseers is permitted if approved
by a higher authority. You did the polling Gabriel and I am a higher authority.
So I rule in favor of a re-polling of the overseers. This time with a more
direct and clear question. All in favor?
URIEL
I second.
MUNKAR
And third.
GABRIEL
You can’t institute that amendment! I am under the
direct supervision of the director thus you are not a higher authority.
METATRON
You also violated test protocol by having the polling
take place before the trials even began. Can’t judge on evidence that hasn’t
been presented.
GABRIEL
Bullshit. My polling took place while Herman was
working out. He was being observed while polling proceeded
METATRON
Oh please. Do I look like I’m from
GABRIEL
It was my discretion. I was given this task
directly. I get to choose!
MUNKAR
And discredited everything they fought for without
even watching it. I won’t lie, it was
impressive seeing them get this far, until you decided they must die in a
strangely power trippy, I don’t want to be a poor mans Michael anymore, kind of
way.
GABRIEL
You take that back!
URIEL
He’s not wrong, you handsome jerk-face. You and I are
in the same pay group and yet you always try to one up everyone. You’re not
inferior to Michael. He gets the same pay as us. We each get a quarter, right?
You, me, Raphael, and Michael. At least people know who you are. Remember that…
METATRON
Alright. Enough of this drivel. Lights up! Thank you
dear. Let me help you back to your seat.
(Lights on the audience rise as Metatron helps the Audience
Plant back to her seat)
METATRON
Alright folks we are going to keep things short and
sweet: Hands up all those who wish the human race to LIVE even if it is to
struggle on.
(Hands up. Hopefully)
GABRIEL
Time for something new to have a chance. All in
favor of the extinction of the human race?
(Few if any hands up)
(***NOTE: If you get THAT audience
that thinks it is funny to vote for death just to see what you would do, the
Angels should leave in disgust. Saying things like “You people really are
monsters…” and “Maybe we should try again with intelligent sea mammals. Maybe
dolphins won’t be such jerks”. There is a LONG break where the focus shifts
back to the corpses that are starting to go into rigor mortis and are farting
even louder now. The Angels storm back in telling all the humans to go screw
themselves and declare that everyone will “Thank us in the end!” And things
skip to the next stage direction. Now if the audience votes for life, please
disregard this stage direction and proceed to the next line.)
METATRON
The ayes have it. Gabriel you have served your
purpose, the jurisdiction of the overseers has been implemented to their
desires. You may return to base or rejoin the overseers.
(Gabriel looks like he wants to fight this but relents and
slumps over in a corner. Uriel, Munkar, and Metatron all bring their hands into
a prayer motion and there is a blackout. Viola, George, and Herman are spread
out, standing, and isolated by narrow lights. The rest of the world stays
black.)
VIOLA
What the shit? I feel so fucking bloated.
GEORGE
Where are we?
VIOLA
Judging by the cum stains on the carpet I would say
we’re in your apartment. Yeah. I noticed. Use a towel.
GEORGE
Sorry I asked a simple question. Christ.
HERMAN
This is far too surreal but if I were to wager a
guess I would say that… well… I….
VIOLA
Oh just spit it out! We’re all thinking it.
HERMAN
I think we’re dead… and this is like purgatory… or
something.
VIOLA
Well no shit. Of course we’re dead! Twat waffle down
there shish kabob-ed us with his sword.
GEORGE
He killed me first.
VIOLA
With your own sword as you lunged at him with it.
GEORGE
I did no such thing!
VIOLA
You made the face! Don’t you deny it. You made that
“I’m gonna stick ya” face!
GEORGE
If I made a face when we hooked up it was because I
was drunk and getting laid. I don’t have a “face”.
HERMAN
Guys—
VIOLA
And you couldn’t let it be. No. You just had to one
up him. He killed you so you had to go for two.
GEORGE
I wasn’t aiming for you.
VIOLA
We were hugging. How would you miss me? And you
aimed for the waist.
HERMAN
This isn’t helping. Let’s talk—
GEORGE
Are you really imply—
VIOLA
I don’t know George, what am I implying? Lets not
lie, you were never going to be there for me or our baby. So why not remove the
whole problem?
GEORGE
I was bleeding to death! I couldn’t think straight.
You know damn well I would never
intentionally—
VIOLA
Well you did.
(In the dark the phrase “Now loading” is projected on the little
screen. Only Herman notices it.)
GEORGE
This isn’t purgatory Herman. This is hell.
VIOLA
I don’t see how this could get any worse. I kind of
miss being a corpse.
HERMAN
Do you see what that screen says? “Now Loading”.
GEORGE
Like a PC?
VIOLA
Uhh… My body is all tingly.
HERMAN
Mine too.
GEORGE
Oooh my balls. Tickles.
VIOLA
I can smell the apartment.
GEORGE
Hey guys. Look.
(George produces
GEORGE
VIOLA
Is this our punishment? Reliving this?
HERMAN
No. I think something more is going on.
METATRON
And you would be right.
(Metatron, now without his cloak appears suddenly near George.
He wears Hebrew robes and carries a staff. But his appearance is so sudden that
:)
GEORGE
Oh F--!!!
(George shoots Metatron suddenly in the back. You can hear
Gabriel laugh and slowly clap as the other Angels slowly remove their cloaks.)
GABRIEL
Bravo! Bravo! See what happens?
URIEL
Shut up Gabe. Put the gun down George.
GEORGE
Yuri?
(Lights rise on the apartment. All characters are visible to one
another. Uriel and Munkar, now without their cloaks, are visible to the
roommates. As is Gabriel who sits in the chair smugly and smoking a cigarette.)
GEORGE
Oh fuck. I fucking shot an angel.
VIOLA
Way to go, George! They’re probably here to help.
MUNKAR
Give him room and give me something to soak up the
blood.
HERMAN
Who are you people?
MUNKAR
Less talk. More fetching. Towels. Water. Something.
HERMAN
You look like angels.
MUNKAR
And you look like you’re not helping.
GABRIEL
Give the man a diploma!
(Viola sees that Herman and George are too in their own shit to
help. So she grabs a few towels from the kitchen)
HERMAN
How is this possible?
(Viola hands the towels and water to Munkar)
MUNKAR
Bless you.
URIEL
Look we’d love to sit down and give you the whole
spiel but the spokesperson of our organization has been shot.
GEORGE
But you’re Angels?!
GABRIEL
Still mortal. We just live really, REALLY long
lives. Now unless you want to piss off the big guy I’d suggest you lend a hand.
HERMAN
We should get him on his stomach. Luckily it was
only birdshot.
VIOLA
I have some more gauze in the bathroom and the
tweezers. George quickly or you’re never getting into heaven now.
GEORGE
Oh fuck fuck fuck.
(George grabs them and is back in record time)
HERMAN
Put more pressure on the wound.
METATRON
…I need a vacation.
URIEL
Quiet and don’t squirm. How’s it looking?
MUNKAR
It’s close but looks like it missed everything
important. If we treat it at our
facility soon, he should survive.
METATRON
SHOULD?!
URIEL
He’s teasing. Do you have your paperwork up to date?
Next of kin?
METATRON
Why do I not believe you?
URIEL
You never believed in Christ, why start believing me
now?
HERMAN
Excuse me. Hi. Yes. Question. What is going on here?
VIOLA
George shot an Angel.
GEORGE
He startled me!
HERMAN
No. Gathered that. Sorry. Rewind. Who are you
people?!
GABRIEL
Meet judge, jury, and executioner.
GEORGE
I knew something was making me act differently. Like
I was a puppet.
GABRIEL
No. You’re just a dumbass who can’t believe his own
incompetence.
GEORGE
Am I really that dumb?
URIEL
Just a bit… But you make up for it in different
ways.
GEORGE
So… am I the first person to bork an angel?
MUNKAR
I knew you went through with it.
URIEL
SO report me. We have bigger problems than that.
He’s still bleeding everywhere.
GEORGE
So wait… am I?
GABRIEL
Oh G.O.D. no. We’ve all had our fun with you. Our
predecessors loved to mingle with your kind. But their abominations got in the
way of proper testing. Hell, we had to banish Zeus to the copy room because he
couldn’t stop ‘mingling’. It was embarrassing.
HERMAN
Testing?
URIEL
Science!
HERMAN
We’re lab mice?
(During Gabriel’s response a slide that reads “G.O.D. = the
Genetic Observation Directive”)
GABRIEL
‘Fraid so chap… But don’t look so down. You’re not
alone. Operation Daisy has been one of
the Genetic Observation Directives greatest accomplishments and it’s not even
complete yet. That’s the beauty of it. There is nothing that is not testable
and the full title is so catchy. “Operation Daisy: A full survey of defendants,
jury, and judges in dire situations”. Just rolls off the tongue. I told you I
was coming from the top with this one. You were all just 8 trials of a 46 trial
test. We had other agents testing and being tested on all over the globe. You
see, as an interstellar company grows it needs to look at itself as it branches
out to find certain areas in need of improvement. It’s all about time
management and making quick objective and worry-free decisions. Time after time I sat there observing through
the eyes of that disgusting now corpse of a cat and time after time I noted moments
that were wasted out of pity for these small beings. I must admit, they did
better than we anticipated. That does not hide the fact that we still expected
them to die. There was no real hope for them. Three humans left to restore the
world? These aren’t the days of Adam and Noah. These are the days of industry
and decision making. That is why I am making one now. Trial 46. Reaction in the
face of eminent doom.
(Gabriel pulls out a remote with a large red button on it)
URIEL
Gabriel, no! The directors kill switch?
MUNKAR
Put that down you son of a bitch. You don’t deserve
to use that.
GABRIEL
You really thought I went into this trial without a
back up plan?
URIEL
Does Director Clapton condone this?
HERMAN
Clapton? Eric Clapton is God?
GABRIEL
I try not to worry him with the little details. The
director has hundreds of planets to worry about. Losing one venue is of minor
concern.
METATRON
Gabriel. Wait. I was like you once.
GABRIEL
Enough of your tricks old man. I’ve already learned
everything I can from you.
URIEL
Why use it now?
GABRIEL
Drama. Duh. We’re fucking Seraphim, Uriel. We can’t
do anything subtle. Our very appearance would destroy these fragile meat sacks.
I could tear away from this vessel and crush them right now... and god I want
to. This guy ate a lot of Indian food before I inhabited his form. But what’s
the fun in that? This is a much better final gambit.
(During Gabriel’s spiel Metatron looks to George who looks at
the front door. Then to Viola who looks to the cupboard. Then to Herman who
looks at
GABRIEL
Oh what’s the eye contact, Old Man? Trying to tell
the idiot to shoot me? You old relic. For too long I have played second fiddle
to the likes of you and those asshole prophets. But now I am no longer just the
messenger. I will become the number one hand of G.O.D. corp. It is my time now
and my first act of business is to cut loose those that hold us down. We will
be feared and worshipped as we once were. Now is the time for Angels to become
the dominant beings in the galaxy. And nothing, I repeat, NOTHING can get in
our way.
METATRON
Except for us.
GABRIEL
Please. Not another one of your ancient tricks.
METATRON
Actually this is one the humans just helped me pick
up.
GABRIEL
Humans? Please. The only thing they are good for is
fucking and killing.
METATRON
Exactly.
URIEL
Now, Herman!
GABRIEL
No!
(Munkar slaps away the remote as Uriel pushes Gabriel towards
the Metatron. Then Herman kicks the shotgun over to Metatron who picks it up
and shoots as Gabriel reaches for the gun. He falls back injured but far from
dead. Uriel and Munkar hold him up facing the Metatron)
GABRIEL
Please. It takes more than that to kill me. It would
take the director or a tool of Satan to do that.
URIEL
You’re in luck.
MUNKAR
When we restored the world, we restored everything.
Every place and every human. This means…
METATRON
George!
(George flings open the door and behind it is Mrs. Bennett who
now looks insanely demonic. (I’m talking like her hair and clothing defying
gravity like demonic) The lights flicker and look like flame. Viola pulls out
Beth)
MRS. BENNETT
I TOLD YOU! NO MUSIC AND NO DISRUPTING MY
SHOW!!!!!!!!!!
VIOLA
Here you go Mrs. Bennett.
MRS. BENNETT
(Suddenly quite nice)
Thank you dear.
(Back to Demonic)
I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE GABRIEL AND EARTH IS MY
DOMAIN! NOT YOURS!
GABRIEL
Not Satan!
(Mrs. Bennett springs forward and stabs Gabriel in the chest)
MRS. BENNETT
Yes… me, brother. I’m the true villain, it’s my job.
Not yours. Now crawl back to your master and beg his forgiveness. And when you
see him tell him I said hi.
GABRIEL
You’ll pay.
MRS. BENNETT
Bitch please. I outrank you. I am the big kahoona’s
real number one. You forget about us these days. For every light there is
shadow. And it is very dark in that copy room. Now go before I take your
parking pass and keys.
(The lights flicker and Gabriel flees. Mrs. Bennett, no longer
possessed, now rests on the ground. Uriel and Munkar rush to the Metatron’s
side.)
GEORGE
Hell is quite entertaining. Is it always like this?
URIEL
You’re not dead. You’re back where you were a few
months ago.
HERMAN
That doesn’t explain everything.
URIEL
Look, we don’t have much time to explain. We have to
get him back to HQ. So do you want the short version?
HERMAN
Yes. Anything.
URIEL
Oh boy. How to dumb this down for you…? Okay first
off, we’re aliens. We build planets and test the people and beings we put on
them. All this was a test. Ta da. You’re still alive. We also just killed you.
We brought you back. Our co-worker went crazy and tried to kill all of us. Now
we are back to where we were when we began.
VIOLA
I’m lost.
GEORGE
So there is no God?
MUNKAR
Oh no there is. He created us. Then we created you.
So… really cute as it may be, you’re all wrong and we worship the real God.
It’s okay. You didn’t know.
GEORGE
Who is the real God?
MUNKAR
An intelligent collective of spores that live
outside the Andromeda galaxy. A bit un-dramatic but the spores traveled the
universe before the big bang and converged with all the knowledge of the
universe. It gave birth to us, your predecessors, and most of the life in the
universe.
VIOLA
What a let down.
HERMAN
So if we are back at where we were does that mean
none of this happened?
URIEL
Oh it happened. We can change time and we do it to
you all daily. Now… Let me ask you. Do you really think that bad dreams are
really just dreams?
HERMAN
Yes.
URIEL
Oh good. Denial is probably the best option. But for
real, we have a guy who will pull you out of time and put you plummeting to the
Earth just to test your fear reactions. He isn’t the best resetting you when he
puts you back though. But I think that’s what makes it funny. Still... after
these thousands of years.
GEORGE
And what about Mrs. Bennett?
MUNKAR
Dead. She lived off Lucifer’s will alone. But
congrats she left you the building. Turns out you were the closest thing to
family she had. Sad really.
METATRON
EXCUSE ME! I am bleeding all over this nice rug. We
must go. Children of
VIOLA
Wait. What about my baby? Is it gone?
URIEL
Of course… not. Despite killing everyone rather
frequently we’re actually pro-life. But Herman’s the father now.
HERMAN
What? How?
URIEL
Take a look.
(Herman looks into his pants)
HERMAN
I grew my testicle back!
GEORGE
So what now?
(There is an awkward pause)
VIOLA
Do you want to rock the gangj before you go? Least I
can do is offer you a fresh bowl for saving our lives.
METATRON
I think I speak for everyone here when I say: Be a
dear and pass an old man the rolling papers.
(Viola pulls out a bag of weed as everyone excitedly pulls up a
chair and snacks.)
METATRON
I should tell you about touring with the Dead in
VIOLA
I’m so jealous! Speaking of dead… Where’d that kill
switch go?
GEORGE
The what?
(George, walking back to join the forming smoke circle, kicks
something small and metallic on the ground)
GEORGE
Fuck. Did I just kick—
(Lights go suddenly dark. Sound of a harp string breaking.)
(Blackout)
(First slide: The End?)
THE END
(Curtain call)
(Second Slide: “_________” as the Audience Plant.)
(Third slide: [* This is
where you can put up the actual numbers for the pre-show poll.*] Sorry we
lied to you. We just made those numbers up. That makes us assholes. There are
the real numbers.)
*Note* At this point it is
totally acceptable to post humorous slides as the audience leaves their seats.
Here is a list. Feel free to use any of these.
(Secret last slide 1 (Optional): A Special Thanks to: God,
Satan, Ancient Aliens, Our friends and Family, and to YOU! (For making such
lovely test subjects))
(Secret last slide 2 (Optional): For buying information for the
Rubbermaid containers seen in this show, please see our Stage Manager)
(Secret last slide 3 (Optional): Aside from 3 baby rabbits, no
animals were harmed during the production of Acts 2 and 3.)
(Secret last slide 4 (Optional): The Opinions and actions of the
characters in this play are the actor’s true feelings and should be treated as
such. Please direct any discomfort you may have felt with them and NOT with the
writer or his director. Thank you and have a safe, sober drive home)
No comments:
Post a Comment